On Believing.....Part 1

I haven't been posting here and many of you know why. We left our home in Jersey to head inland to Ohio- towards Grandma's house, family, turkey and good times. What we found was all of that for awhile and then we descended into what can only be called hell.  Finally, a day short of an entire month I walked back into my own home, all of the players in my life safe and accounted for.
And yes, this is all about my nephew Brevin, absolute terror, sickness, hospitals, heroes and miracles. And it will be long. And scary. And sappy. And serious.

In October we made a surprise visit home to Ohio for Halloween. Brevin had pneumonia at the time but he was ok. Just a kid being treated for pneumonia. We had our Halloween and came home but Brev kept getting sick. First the pneumonia, then "something viral", then an ear infection. On Thanksgiving Day he took his last dose of what had been a month long course of antibiotics.
The Dillons arrived on scene Nov 18 and all things were good. Brev was recovered. It was the holiday and we were good. The day before Thanksgiving, the kids were playing and all was normal. So normal, that looking back it seems eerie in a way.

On Thanksgiving, the adults looked at each other strange because Brevin, the kid that NEVER wants to rest or sleep, made an announcement and walked himself to bed for a nap. This was, in and of itself, strange but we all thought that the Dillon kids had worn him out and that he might be getting sick again as is his wont this time of year. So he napped. Then he woke up and had some dinner. There was an incident where a drink just kind of slipped out of his hand - again very Brevin in a way.

And let me just stop the story here. I can not keep injecting the things that we, the adults in his life were thinking along the way. At almost every step there was some kind of reasoning that took place- something that we (AND THE DOCTORS HE WAS SEEING) could say was happening other than what was really happening. Believe me, I have gone over and over the events in my head and I do not think that there was ever something different we could have done at the time, with the information and symptoms that we had. I think his mother did a superb job at getting him the care he needed. Every adult in his life has had some very dark and recriminating thoughts about how this all went down. At the end of the day however, we did what we could at the time.

Sometime late on Thanksgiving he complained of a headache. That was relieved by Motrin. He had a fever, nothing too high 100.5 at the highest. He was sleeping alot.

The day after Thanksgiving (Friday) his Mom went to work and he was with me for a short time. Again the headache relieved by Motrin, the fever that wasn't too high (100.1) and some sleepiness. I treated him and left to go to see some other family in Columbus. He spent the rest of the day sleeping and waking up easily. Eating very little, drinking very little but arousable and coherent when awoken. We all thought he was just getting a virus again. Kids sleep when they are sick. Kids stop eating when they are sick. Those things happen routinely with sick kids.

Melissa came home in the evening. Brevin was sleeping. He woke up, ate something, walked to the bathroom, he was talking to her. Two hours later when she went to check on him, he was very difficult to arouse, he had lost some control of his body functions, he was unable to talk, he vomited.
She took him right to the emergency room. Every test that they could think of at the time was ran and came back normal. Well he had an elevated white blood count that leads you to think infection but we "knew" that already. His heartrate was elevated and that was a concern. He was a bit wonky and sleepy. The iv fluids they gave him slowed his heart rate and he seemed to perk up a bit. The ER DOC concluded that he had a build up of the antibiotics in his system, that iv fluids would help and that he would be back to school on Monday.

Saturday we had a kid that was even worse. He was very sleepy. He slept all of the time unless woken to drink or pee. He was still talking to us but only sometimes. He would wake up and stare at us, then go back to sleep. A visit to his regular Doc took place at his mommy's insistence (to the office folks). He had no temp. He would wake up and talk appropriately to the Doc. She concluded that we were dealing with some Sepsis but we were still waiting on blood cultures that had been drawn the previous day. Two injections of antibiotics and we went back home. He still had a fever but nothing too serious. He was still able to drink when we asked him to. He was still talking but he did have times when he didn't answer us. The Doc told us he would perk up in the evening and be better by the next day. He DID perk up a bit and we all thought he was on the upswing.

Sunday morning. He was even worse. Very difficult to arouse. No drinking. No talking. He would only keep his eyes open for a few seconds before falling back to "sleep". My sister had enough. She knew that it was time to get serious. She called his Doc and a plan was made to take him to Akron Children's Hospital.

Sunday Night: 6 hours in the ER. CT scan was negative. Any and all blood tests were negative. The doctors were perplexed. But we happened to get just the right Doctor- she just would not let things rest. I do remember that at one point she was talking about how they didn't know what was happening...my sister interrupted her and said, " I swear to GOD if you try to send us home, I will come over this bed at you. There is something wrong with my son and YOU need to find out what it is and make it better". And they did. That Doctor got the idea that she needed to see Brev try to walk. When he did, she saw that his right leg was dragging and very weak. This made her think brain/spinal cord. An MRI was ordered. Something was seen. An MRI with Contrast was ordered.
Then they kind of "knew".

And that was when we fell into hell.

Outtakes

This year I am on the ball. No hurried photos in front of a generic tree. No rushed photo session at the tree farm. No sirree.
I took advantage of a nice, sunny afternoon here on the Cape and we went a-picturing. At the beach. In full sun. A nice bright flawless November sun. You know, the kind that makes you all squinty. I am just fabulous like that.
The day we got pictures was actually the second day I forced us all into red shirts and a faux Christmas Spirit. (The first day was ok at the house but like the surface of Mars at the shore) Any of you with kids out there know this: when you want/need your kids to cooperate and be a team player- they just won't. Or can't. Or are allergic to said familial cooperation.
Well, I am just saying this because if you get a card from us and we all look squinty? It's Leslie's fault as he said, and I quote, "You just can't put us through that again".
Wuss.
Ah well. I DID have a secret weapon to combat Father Sun in the close ups but we would have  needed at least another complete and cooperative adult to work a certain prop for the full family shot.
So yeah.
It will be Merry Christmas from the Squinty McSquintersons.
But my cards are done!
YES!!!
Now I can sit back and laugh and be all superior when my sister is freaking out about hers on oh say... December 20th.

How Do I Feel?

Take your pick......

                    Oh! All the pictures look the same? Tired and headachy? Huh.

Playing Outside on a Fall Day

New Wheels

Somebody got a new bike for his Birthday.
Somebody is really, very pleased with his new bike.

Li-AAAAMMM

And so Liam is three.
I can not believe how fast time is slipping by us with this little guy.
Last year at this time he was still recovering from his palate repair and though he had a birthday party, he didn't seem to realize what was going on, and he didn't seem to remember it.
This year he was all prepped and ready, thanks to a sister that had him on a count down for about a month.
I can't really describe my emotions as my son sat on his father's lap opening presents the he knew were for him. I can't begin to tell you how my heart grew and grew as I watched him, time after time, open a gift and look at it, then lay his little hand against his chest and softly proclaim, "Me!".
We were surrounded by family. His Now and Forever Family but thoughts of his birth mother did creep in and leave me a bit saddened. I think, in our situation, it's normal and ok for someone to be a bit sad on these days. I just let the kids enjoy themselves and I think my quiet thoughts in the midst of the paper ripping and the cake eating.
He blew out his own candles- which is a huge thing for a little boy born with an open palate. He ate his cake. He ran off with his loot.
It was, I think, just the perfect little day for a boy such as he.

He is my Moosh. My soft baby. The boy who loves to be cooed over. The child that will get on your lap and roll about endlessly like a restless, slightly aggressive teddy bear.
These days he plays so hard and is, at last, comfortable with sleep so he will go for a nap gratefully and wake up all red cheeked and meek and willing to sit on your lap for as long as you let him. He loves to run and jump and fight. He loves his guns and cars.
He loves his big sister to distraction and she is his whole Universe, the rest of us are just here to provide wound care and transportation (grin). He is trying so hard to learn to communicate with us. He is a part of us now and I really, truly wouldn't have it any other way.

Halloween So Far

This is our Halloween so far. We have had Boo at the Zoo, a Harvest Festival, a Haunted Hay Ride and one photo session a piece for the kids. Whew!
This IS my favorite time of year though so I tend to do it up like others do up Christmas.
I think I should mention that in order to get pictures ready and sent out, we had to get some pictures of The Mermaid, and due to our crazy schedule, we had a very narrow window to do so. Well, the result was my skinny minnie kid laying on a cold rock getting splashed by waves and whipped about by the wind in 50 degree weather. She was a trooper though- it helped that she desperately wanted pictures of herself as a mermaid- by the sea. The lighting really wasn't ideal either but I thin we managed to get a few that came out ok.
Liam loves to don his dino/dragon outfit and prowl about growling and scaring us all.
The cat is unmoved by any of our shenanigans.

I have no pictures of the festival- I was too busy shoving funnel cake in my face.
We got one very silly picture at the hayride but that's on Leslie's phone. You can take my word for it though- it was fun. It was also very entertaining watching the differences in my kids. Ev spent about 40% of the hayride with her face covered up and Liam spent the whole time on his tip toes happily yelling at all of the skeletons, devils, giant spiders and fiends. I thing the best part for both of them was being able to play in the nearby park after dark though.

Well Trick or Treat is soon and I have a few other surprises up my sleeve but that will all have to wait as we are going to get very busy...
It's also Liam's third birthday tomorrow!!!

Aftershocks

Ev woke up this morning and made a mad scramble for my bed, she climbed in and settled in for a longish, quiet cuddle. She has told me about a hundred times today that she loves me. This happens after we have big emotional talks about her days in China alone and her Birth Mother. I never quiet know if she is trying to reassure me or herself  but I take the hugs and snuggles where I can and try to let the day go on. You see my girl does not like this sort of thing. There isn't a sentimental bone in her little body. That's not to say that she is unfeeling or that she doesn't feel things deeply, she is a very deep child, it's just that she is very practical and does not allow sentiment to govern her.

I, however, am a screaming hot mess today. My hands are shaking, I am nervous, I can't get my mind settled. I just keep reviewing our talk and wondering if I said the right things, if I held her enough, was it ok that she saw me cry, will she ever want to talk about this again...

I think the thing that makes me the most sad is that even though her pain and grief are profound, even though we will most likely need to help her with this for her whole life- she is not the only child that deals with the pain of abandonment. We are not the only adoptive parents to have to sit there and state awful facts and watch them strike the heart of the very children we want so desperately to protect. There are countless numbers of children out in the world that face abandonment.

I also keep thinking about how an abandoned child must build a "relationship" with the birth family. I think that because we will never know the ONE truth that led to Evelyn eventually coming  home with us, she must learn about ALL of the stories and possibilities and process each one as if that is the truth. She must work though these things so they will not hold her back, so that she can get to the other side.

Leslie and I believe that it's important to be honest with her, that it would be damaging to embellish the story, to assume things about her Birth Mother's life and state of mind. I will never be that woman and so, I will never be able to say why she did what she did. I will never get the chance to meet her and ask. I have to look at China and the possibilities of her life facts and make deductions. And so must Evelyn. And I think the key to healing is allowing our children access to those possibilities so they may work through the emotions that go along with them.

I have had to go on my own emotional journey with the Birth Mothers of my children. I have had to face my own anger and grief, my own incredulity at a system that allows this sort of thing to happen to families. I have gone from denial, to anger, to sadness, to a very deep and mournful respect and love for these women. And I must be ready to help my children go through this very same journey. The difference is that it didn't happen to me- so whatever I feel or have felt pales in comparison to what they must feel.

I have also been thinking about the nature of love. How a mother's love for her children may change and evolve. I have to look at how a child sees things only through their very own hearts. I have to believe that there was love for them as they lay in the wombs of their birth mothers because THEY need to believe that. I can't SAY your birth mother loved you, but I can believe it in my heart and have respect for it and my children will see that. I will, one day soon I think, have to talk with Ev about love and how it can change and be different. And that scares me because I am not good at this.

Some days I long for the simplicity of "you grew in my tummy". Not for me- but for them. But then, we wouldn't be the family that we are.

To An Unknown Woman in China

Tonight as I was putting my daughter down for bed, she smiled up at me and asked me to tell her the story of when I met her in China. She has asked this question many times in the 6 years that she has been with us and I always, always take time to stop what I am doing and tell her "The Story of The Big Room In The Jiangxi Hotel" .
Tonight was a bit different however. She seemed more pensive, more expectant, as if she were waiting for an opportunity to arise.
I realized pretty quickly that it was you she wanted to discuss.

And so, not knowing exactly where to start and not knowing exactly what it was she wanted or needed to talk about- I started with a simple truth.
As I lay there in bed with this 7 year old girl that is the light of my life, I looked into her face and I whispered to her that I had a secret to tell her. I told her that I think about you quite a bit. And as that whisper left my lips and traveled to her heart, I saw her relax and become almost relieved. She wanted to know when I thought of you, and I told her that it was when I saw her smile a certain way, or when I saw her in gymnastics class up on the balance beam or when she bursts out with a full belly laugh. I told her that at those times I thought of you and wished desperately for you to be able to see her.

She sighed and smiled a sad, strange little smile and then she asked me what you look like. I really wanted to be able to tell her. I wish that I could have met you just once, so I could tell her for sure what you looked like, so you would have been able to see that she would be loved and cherished. The sad truth is that I didn't see you, I have no idea who you are. I told her this. And we decided that we might have enough information to make a few guesses. According to us you are a tiny woman with very good posture. You have tiny, capable hands. You have dark black hair that is cut with bangs at the front but it's very long in the back and you mostly wear it in a long pony tail like her friend Willow. And you must have a fabulous nose.

She wondered sadly if you loved her and we talked about that. We decided that you must have kept yourself very healthy when you were pregnant with her because she was born healthy and strong. We talked about the circumstances in your country that may have led you to make the decision that you did. We know that there were other choices- choices that were easier socially and morally in your country but you made a choice that could have made things very difficult for you and any family that you lived with. She decided that you made the choice you did, not because you wanted to, but because you have Honor. And so she decided that with your honor and the very few other things we know, that you did love her.

I think she loves you too. It's a far away love, a love filled with sadness and regret but it is there. I wanted you to know that you are not forgotten. That she knows about you, she thinks about you. She thinks that you did the right thing, and that might be cold comfort to the mother's heart that beats in your chest but it is what we have.

I want you to know that she is loved and cherished. We will keep her healthy and happy and do our very best to give her the best of all things, but mostly the best that our own hearts have to offer.

I like to think that there are times when we are thinking of you and talking of you, and that you are there in China thinking of her too, and that somehow you know that she is loved by us and that she has a smile that can change the world. And her nose is the most fabulous little nose that I have ever seen.

Resistance Is Futile

Do you want to know how to get your children started on the path to Geekdom?
Of course you do!

                                                                        Step 1
                       Allow them to spend a sunny afternoon reading vintage comics.

                                                                         Step 2
                                        Introduce them to the world of Star Trek.

                                                                          Step 3
                                     Provide Medieval Castles for them to play in.

Step 4

Take them to Medieval Faires at a young age.

Other things that you might find useful in your Holy Quest to make your children worthy of geekdom are:

*Star Wars

*Cult films such as The Princess Bride

*Dress up items that allow them to pretend to be super heroes, knights or kick ass Princesses

*Foam sword play

*Other geek literature such as video game magazines (thank you Gpa), Star Trek Manuals or more comic books

*A general and exciting education in the field of Science.

*Exposure to different types of music, like the Buffy Soundtrack for instance.

* But most of all, let them see your love of all great Sci-Fi and Fantasy and let them be a part of it.

Oh! And cool, geek appropriate t-shirts are a must!

Things I Have Learned This Week

• The only thing more painful than stepping on a tiny Ninja sword with bare feet would be to step on a real Ninja sword with bare feet.
• You can actually see blood come out of your own ears when the number of times you hear "Mama?" in a day reaches into the gazillions.
• My husband can fix the hell out of the washer.
• It's ok to isolate myself when I am grumpy. It seems everyone can, and will survive without me. At least for a little while.
• I drink way too much Caffeine Free Diet Coke.
• I will probably not address the "too much Coke" thing as it's one of my only vices.
• We can make it through a whole week with eating out only once.
• The kids actually like it when you take the easy route and give them pbj's for lunch.
• I am inordinately proud of my kids. Both of them. They are just nice, well behaved kids and I like being around them.
• I need to get more Art into our life.
• You can ignore that voice in your head that keeps telling you that you want Dunkin' Donuts and it will go away.
• If you are tired of your 2 year old waking up 5 times a night, you can give him a pre-bedtime speech and just tell him to stop crying when he wakes up and to go back to sleep. And he will do it. (At least for one night so far).
• My two year old has been scamming me and doesn't really need a night light.
• 30 Rock may be the funniest show ever.
• I am shameless-ly obsessed with Dr. Who and Torchwood. 
• I really need about an hour a day that is all my own.
• Seven year old girls are complicated little beasts. This is called " Cosmic Foreshadowing". 
• I may not survive my daughter's teen years with my sanity intact. But I will go out loving her and trying my best not to strangle her. 
• Stepping on matchbox cars is nearly as painful as stepping on ninja swords and you get a bonus ankle twist.

Moosh

This is Liam. He's two. And he's what you might call, "A Moosh".
Please don't ask me to tell you exactly what a Moosh is. It's just Liam. He's just...Moosh.
We are a nick namey crowd and for the longest time, Liam just didn't get a nickname.

I noticed however, that as we have gotten past the one year mark with him, he's starting to pick up a few. It was like we had to wait to find the boy underneath all of that survival stuff to see what nick name would really stick. As he embraced his Liam-ness, we have been able to see other things. Like his relative Moosh-ness.

He doesn't really like being called Moosh. Or his other nick name for that matter. That other one is, "The Bubbuhz". He will look at us askance, put his little palm to his chest and say "No. Eeuhm". And we laugh, because he is so serious but pulling our leg at the same time.

He is my son. He is almost three. And he has a moosh magic all his own. He can make me all gushy and warm inside. He turns me into a real mooshy mush this kid. I could hold him and squeeze him forever.
I just might.

High On Life

This is my daughter. She is seven. She has one lost tooth and has one more  loose. Her legs are longer than ever. She giggles almost constantly. She loves Star Trek. She is a great, though fussy, big sister.
She doesn't need a reason to smile- she just smiles, all of the time.
She doesn't need a reason to laugh and giggle- she just does.
She dances and twirls about. It's not unusual for her to break into a series of cartwheels just for the pure joy of it.

She says, " i'm just kiddin' " about a hundred times a day- because she is always kidding and looking for a way to make those around her smile.

She will wrap up perfectly round, white stones from the ocean two weeks before your birthday and keep them hidden because she has noticed that those are the kind you always pick up while walking along the beach. 

She runs on very little sleep. She eats like a bird. Her hair smells like hot coals from the fire. She has lovely little hands with chipped polish. She has these amazingly tiny feet that carry her everywhere at light speed.

This is Evelyn and she is high on life.

I hope that she never comes down.