What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate.

Last night I sat in the dim light of a little boy's room and I held that little boy and as we snuggled I let my mind wander. I became aware that he was taking my hands and placing them on his little tummy and moving them, he was doing this because he wanted me to gently rub his tummy as we sat there and let go of the day together. I became aware that he does this every night.

Every night as we cuddle, my son will take my hands and show me what he needs that night. Sometimes He wants me to rub his head. Sometimes he wants me to pat or scratch his back. Sometimes he just wants my arms held tight around him. Each night he takes my hands and he tells me, in no uncertain terms what he needs and wants from me.

Every night as I cuddle my daughter she starts off quiet and lets me hold her close. This lasts for about 45 seconds and then she gets uncomfortable and she rolls away and she talks and talks and talks. She never once asks me to talk about things that are bothering her, she never wants to hear softly spoken words of love and admiration. What makes her most comfortable and happy is to have me near and have me focusing solely on her and what she wants to chatter about for as long as I will stay. And I do stay, some nights I stay for 5 minutes, some nights I stay for over an hour as she slowly, slowly lets me reel her in closer and closer and we fall asleep together in The Pink Palace.

We have very interrupted forms of communication in this house. One child WOULD tell me all the things in his heart if only his physical body would cooperate. The other child CAN NOT tell me the things in her heart and mind because her spirit prohibits her from easily revealing the deep stuff. The stuff that counts. The stuff that she most needs a Mama's help with.

So I do my very best to help them both. I sit every day and help the boy learn signs and sounds. I jump up every time he makes a vague sign and I get what he wants because I want to encourage him to communicate with me in these ways- speech and sign. I want to help him find a way to get all of his words out. I want to hear from him, his view on things, his wants, his needs. Because he has words, I can see them tumbling about inside of him, desperate to get out.

I try to help Ev talk to me about emotional things in small ways. I try to give her the dialog to use about emotion. I ask her questions one would not normally ask a child of 6. I do this because she has words to find as well. Her heart must learn that nothing bad will happen if she uses words to tell me what she feels. I am making progress with this girl. I am. I asked her yesterday why she did not seem excited about our new house in Jersey and she replied (as she was walking away), that, "it was all too much." And I had to let it go. I have to let her be able to say that and walk away and then I have to try again later and she will say more. It's like this all of the time, this delicate dance I do with her emotions. Meanwhile she will exhaust me with small demands and requests throughout the day, lip gloss, gum, band aids, certain pencils, let's do math first Mama, not the Grammar you have laid out, can I play in your purse, can I have a popsicle, can I..., will you..., hey Mama..., hey Papa....and on and on an endless chant of superficial requests.

And Liam? He will ask for food or drink. And then he will use all of his ingenious little ways to let me know about his deeper needs. The need for a lap, the need for whispered words of love and comfort. He never uses words for this, he uses his whole body. But he has no fear to show his needs. He is not shy about needing help and affection. He  demands these things in nearly deafening but silent ways.

Evelyn is better at these sorts of things than I have ever seen her. She will, eventually move close and let me hold her tight at night, she never used to get to that place before. She will approach me and talk when she is upset about something, still it's the small and medium sized things though. The big things I still have to help her get out. Don't get me wrong I do not mind this kind of work with her but it is incredibly sad to me that it has to happen.

From what I can see and understand, the difference between my children boils down to two things: Personality and their differing experiences in China. That's it.

Both of my children were "Special Needs". You can not tell me any differently. I will work for years to help my son's body learn how to speak and I will work for a lifetime teaching my daughters heart to use the ability of speech that has come so easy to her.

Let me add, I am not perfect or great. I try, that's it. Some days I get things incredibly wrong and screwed up. Some days I do fair to middlin'. But I love my children and I try. Everyday I try.