In Honor of the Two That Are Coming

So, this post is for Special K and Tonggu Mama because after these many long YEARS of waiting, they are just days away from getting referrals for their little girls from China. And I know they must be ready to fly apart. I know that they are starving for any scrap of any story about a referral- even if it was 6 years ago. I know that they are having entire minutes where they are forgetting to breathe.
So breathe ladies. And for the last time.... live vicariously....

Six years ago I lived in Alaska and I was waiting for my referral of my own daughter. It was March and I had spent the entire previous month devastated because we missed that round of referrals by one lousy, stinking day. I can only remember the first days of March in the year 2005 as a vague, depressing nightmare of more waiting. and this will seem so silly to so many now, BUT we had waited 8 looooong months for news and I wasn't really certain that they would ever really give me a child.  At that time, I felt like God had turned his back on me, so why should any earthly government follow through?

I do remember that the depression and doubt lifted when I figured out, through the online boards, that referrals were coming and they included my date! And I went into crazy mode. I remember this nervous energy infused my being and it was as if I vibrated. Well, ok. One second I was as happy as could be and the next I was as afraid as any expectant mother has ever been. It was like that for 5 days. I was exhausted by the time my phone actually rang!

I had to work all night, the night before the calls were going to be made. I knew that I would be nuts and tired and crying and all of that, so I sat down and calmly made a list of questions to ask and I made a little worksheet for me to fill in as they gave me information. I was set.
I went to work. I don't remember killing anyone so that must have turned out ok. I do know that I banked on the agency not realizing that AK meant Alaska and not Arkansas. You see they start their calls with folks on the east coast and work west- or that's how my agency did it back then. I did NOT want to wait at home alone (Les was at work) for hours waiting for them to tell me about my daughter. Les did not have a cell at the time so he had borrowed a friend's and I was to call him the minute I hung up with the agency. I told him, "You better answer on the first ring, because I will not wait to look at the e-mail."  He said, "I will! I will!!!" I waited at home for the longest 90 minutes of my entire life. I sat on my bed with my phone and my list and I waited. And my heart and my mind swirled in chaos.
Then the phone rang.
And I jumped.
And I stared at it.
It rang again.
I was paralyzed.
It rang again and I jumped into action.
"You have a daughter!" and that is really the only clear thing I remember. I did not use my little chart. I just nervously scribbled all around the little places I had so carefully measured out. I do remember asking if she was sure that this girl was mine- alot. And I cried.
The biggest moment of the entire process happened when the nice lady on the phone said her name is "Yi Fu Mei" and Fu Mei means Lucky Plum. Because? Months earlier I had a dream about a little dark haired girl eating a plum in the sunshine. My entire body broke out in chills and I KNEW that we would be ok.
She finished giving me info, assured me that the e-mail with pictures was headed my way and we hung up.
I called Les.
He did not answer.
I called again.
No answer.
I went in to see if the e-mail had come and it had so I opened it and watched as a little face materialized line by line in front of me.
She was beautiful! I cried a river of hot, happy tears.
Les called me back as I was weeping and looking at her and he said, "I'll be right there!".
Five minutes later, Les walked in and I showed him her picture and he got really quiet and still and said, "There she is."

Yes. There she was.

I loved her immediately. I think I loved her before I even saw her face entirely. She was mine.
We had to wait 2 agonizing months for travel and I do not remember a single moment of that time.
I did not sleep for like 2 days after the call. I just could not. I was completely jazzed. I was in love. I was a Mama.
I called family. I printed pictures. I packed.

I have never, ever looked back.

You can also read about Liam's referral and the first few days after that in these two posts   January 5  and About A Boy.