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   We are only almost half way through January so I thought I could sneak in a bit more about last year. I was just thinking that I should narrow my favorite pictures of the kids down to just one a piece.

So I did. It wasn't easy.

Moments That Make Me Smile

View from the chalkboard:

As you can see Princess Leia is working hard at her math while Sir Stripey Bum is maxin' and relaxin' in his slippers reading a dinosaur book. The dress-up trunk is flung wide just calling out for a couple of intrepid adventurers but...not quite yet, there is still work to be done. Little brother will wait, just not too long. On this day (today) we were working on some math that Ev wan't too pleased about and the look on her face also makes me smile because she can be such a stinker.- see her smile of tolerance?

                                                             View from the house:

Les took this picture on chilly afternoon when the kids were out, playing and adventuring- doing whatever they leased. This is what pleased them. She is reading and studying a fairy book and he is digging about in grass and dirt. I am not sure why the safety cones are there but knowing Ev it's because she deemed the tree too close to the road- or maybe it was a magical barrier or maybe the original intent was to keep the digger out of her realm.

                                                                   Storytime:

They love to drag blankets and pillows about, find a Castaneda Spot and waller around a bit. On this day, Sissy decided it was time to read to Lee-UHM.

WWF Time:

This was the first time Uncle Les saw Brev after the hospital stay. He (Les) was in the house for approximately 5 minutes before the kids staged an attack and it was on like  Donkey Kong! This is a regular occurrence when Les is paired with these kids. Full on wrestling, sword fighting, chasing. They love it. He loves it. And yes this was a part of Brev's official rehab/pt routine. wink.

Catching Up

I can't seem to catch up.
I think it might have something to do with the fact that every time I am almost there...I get a migraine, or a tooth abscess, or a migraine, or a cold, or a migraine, and I loose 3 or 4 days and all the ground I gained in my last  "no migraine or any other crap" phase.

I have gone through so many bouts of relaxing my standards so that I can feel like things are getting done that it's a bit ridiculous. I am not even talking about my old, crazy, clean house obsessed, pre-kids level of chores and cleaning and errands. I am talking about the fact that I am barely able to maintain a cleanliness standard that would get me a Health Dept. rating of 8.5 if I was a restaurant.

I am currently re-washing a load of clothes for the third time because I can't seem to get to them to get them in the dryer before they stink. My floors have not been mopped in oh...well, longer than I want to admit publicly. Every mirror and window in the house that Liam has fingerprint access to needs cleaned. I need to shave my legs. I need a nap.

The thing is I am a stay at home Mom so I feel like there should be somewhere in the day that I could get things done. Yeah. No. It's not happening.

Here is my day:
--Sleep until the kids wake up because I am an insomniac and a good night of sleep is a rare animal for me and waking ahead of them is just plain out of the question.
--Breakfast for The Horde. This means a hurried occasion of some carb laden whatever that I can throw in front of them so I can hurriedly clean up the kitchen or squeeze in some other task. I always tell myself I will eat in a just a bit...
--Cleaning up from breakfast real quick like which seems silly because didn't I JUST clean it from the evening before?!
--The start of school: Math 40 minutes, Spelling 20 minutes, Writing 15 minutes, Grammar 20 minutes, Reading 30 minutes. Which is like 2 hours and 5 minutes. So it doesn't seem like that long on paper. You must factor in diaper changes, and getting Liam out of whatever predicament he is in (like stuck in a chair) every 15 minutes. There is also the comforting Liam time because he fell and hit his head again- every 20 minutes. Liam's speech practice for 30 minutes. The time that Ev argues and balks and lollygags.
--So somewhere in there we stop for lunch and the "cleanup" (Notice the quotes there. That is because at this point I have given up any pretense of actually cleaning, this is more like shoving and dumping).
--Return to school to finish up.
--Liam down for a nap some days. Some days we head out to do the grocery shopping or errand running.
--While Liam is napping sometimes I nap too (no shame) or Ev and I do some fun project or I sit and stare for a total of 10 minutes but mostly it's finishing school because of some drama her Highness has added to the day and thus delayed finishing time.
--Papa home from work. So the kids play and scramble on him for about 5 minutes while I sit stunned, realizing that I haven't eaten or showered.
--I shower then Les and I have a snack while the kids play about.
--And this is where it gets hazy. Les is here. I am here. Yet...somehow our time just gets eaten up and we end up on the far shores of our evening exhausted and stunned that it is actually 10 pm and we didn't get a thing done. Again. Because you know there was dinner and clean up and just triyng to be with the kids. On Tuesdays and Thursdays Les comes in to take over school for History and Science.

This is Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Monday and Wednesday get extra points for being all time eat-y and crazy making because of the 5 hours minimum we spend getting the kids up to Speech and Gymnastics.

Saturday we spend recovering from the week prior and Sunday we spend psyching up for the coming week. (That was fancy talk for laying about playing video games and taking walks with the kids or playing board games, reading books, wrestling with the kids- you know family stuff).

See? It seems like there should be something MORE that I get done.
But I just really get only taking care of the kids done.
Ultimately it's all ok. The house work will always be there, the kids will not.
I know that it's ok to have a messy home because you are too busy caring for the kids to really commit to cleaning the toilets.
It's just that, as a stay at home mom, there is alot of pressure to feel like you are on top of it all. That you are getting ALL the things done.
We are getting the most important stuff done I think. We are spending these years caring for our kids and trying to enjoy them.
It's good.
I just need a nap.
And a wife.

               

How I See It Now

"I am not embarrassed to tell you that I believe in miracles."
-Corazon Aquino

After you experience a miracle in your life, you will find that it is very difficult to attempt to "get back to normal". If your life happens to be blessed with something that you view as a miracle, you find that suddenly what you once saw as normal isn't quite the same thing anymore. 


How do you go about your life living and breathing in profoundly unexceptional ways and yet pay tribute to the absolute gift that was given to you?


How do you ever look at the people in your life the same again?


"I think miracles exist in part as gifts and in part as clues that there is something beyond the flat world we see."
-Peggy Noonan



I am not complaining. It is a wonderful thing to be facing, this shift in reality, this realization of fragility and love.
It's just that you want to deserve it.
It's that you need to be able to see it for what it is, or was, or continues to be so that you don't loose it.


“The universe is big, its vast and complicated, and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. And that's the theory. Nine hundred years, never seen one yet, but this would do me." (The Doctor) 
― Steven Moffat

I fully believe that my nephew is alive because of a miracle. I am a very careful person when it comes to spiritual things. I play my cards close to my chest and it is very rare to find me talking about religion or my own personal beliefs in God. I do know when I have seen a miracle though, especially when it is one of a medical nature because those are accompanied by Doctors doing dances of joy at a loved ones bedside without having the "doc shop talk" to explain it. Besides, I know what my heart tells me.



I think we are given miracles so we can stop for a moment and see beyond the everyday. I think we are given miracles so we try,  just a bit harder each day to remember the way we were blessed and thus become more than we were. In the moment of the miracle, we are known, as individuals, by something far greater than our minds can comprehend. We become aware of the intimacy that a mortal man can have with the Divine. We, for a split second, are given an answer to the eternal question- "Are you there?"

I think this is why we are given miracles,not so we feel guilt or a heavy burden or a drive to deserve them.

"And now we step to the rhythm of miracles." 
-Aberjhani


The answer comes at you a million fold. "Yes. I am here. And I see you."
 In our hearts then, as we struggle to understand the mind of Divinity, as we focus on this thing that was given to us, we allow that door between us and  God/Infinity/ The Universe  to be left open a crack. We become the possibility of other miracles. We are given the device which may allow us to forever see the miracles that happen in our everyday lives.


The way your child smiles, the way your husband loves you, the beating, ineffable heart of your family...The sun, the moon, the Higgs Boson particle, chocolate, a cold Coke on a hot afternoon, the smell of the ocean...we are given so many miracles and we look past them so often that it takes something huge to shake us out of our blindness.


Every once in awhile, if you are lucky, you have the chance to see beyond the veil.

And then you can't stop seeing them. The Miracles. The miracles that swirl about and touch your life and make you better and brighter if you let them.

And that's all that is required I think. To see and to know and to allow...for the possibility of more.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

Typical

Liam is being.....ummm...I am not quite sure how to put it other than to say that he is being a stinker.
Usually this would have me fretting and pacing and having long conversations with Les about our plan of attack. I am not doing any of those things however, I kind of want to strangle Liam sometimes right now, but mostly I am a bit amused at his behavior.

He's three. He is being typically three. He is testing boundaries. He is exerting his individuality. He is snubbing his nose at family convention.

For about 50% of the time he is refusing to take us seriously, 30% of the time we see open rebellion, and the remaining 20% is chock full of sweet buhbbuh kisses, crooning love songs, hugs and back pats.

He is also really getting into the swing of things and he has hit that stage where he LIVES to "help Mama". He will spontaneously clean his room one time and then, the next time he will sit in a huddled and weeping heap attempting to refuse the clean up that is necessary after a room exploding play session. 

His speech is going great and he has been able to make the "s" sound and the beginning of the "th" sound- for the first time ever.

I am not freaked out by his behavior at all. It's typical for a boy his age. Typical is good.

For the first time ever, we are dealing with typical instead of "adoption issues", instead of "post-institutionalized behavior", instead of grief. 

We have reached to point where he is relaxed enough, secure enough, bonded enough to just be...typical. 

Typical is good. Great even.

We'll take a bit of typical.

Even if typical means a bit of, well... a bit of this...

Two Years? Really?

On January 5, 2010 we got a phone call on a snowy afternoon.
Not just any call. It was THE CALL.
The call form our adoption agency to see what we thought about this little boy they had a file for. This little boy that needed a family.
And in my heart I knew, this was it.
I said yes.
While Leslie was shoveling the driveway and was clueless about the whole thing, I said yes.
The smart lady at the agency gently suggested that I actually, you know, talk to my husband about him and, say, actually review the file before she put us down for a solid yes and locked his file in with us.
But I knew.
This was it.
We now had a son.
A little boy was waiting in China and now, for the first time he was waiting for something definite to happen.
This was the face we saw, the face of our new son:

We would not actually lay hands on him for another 6-7 months. Believe me- those were very long months. 

 Today, he ran about the house eating chocolate chip cookies and playing with one of the fifty kajillion toys he got for Christmas. Today, he found me while I was folding laundry and insisted that I stop and sit down so he could get on my lap and stroke my hair as he sang me a song. Today, he made the "s" sound correctly for the first time in his life.

This is my son today:

My Moosh. Mooshy Pie. Monkey Boy. Lee-UMM.

Looking Back at 2011

January-
We had Liam's Referral Anniversary.


We got news that a PCS (permanent change of station) was in our near future and a year early.


Liam saw the ocean for the first time.


The flu laid us all low.


February-
We celebrated The Year of the Rabbit.


We celebrated Valentine's Day.


We celebrated Brevin's birthday. At a Great Wolf Lodge.


March-
Brought us St. Patrick's Day. And Ev's first long trip away from home.


And Ev's 6 year referral anniversary, but no picture as she was still traveling.

April-
...Easter!


May-
May brought us Dandelions and Popsicles and Ev's Gymnastic Show






And Wizards..


June-
We said Good-bye to Ohio


Evelyn turned 7. And lost her first tooth!



















We made it to New Jersey.


July-
July brought us "all the things that summer brings"...




And a first visit from the Smokewood Gang.


August-
We played in the rain, played with snakes and evacuated for Irene.




September-
Liam fought  the law and The Law won...


October-
We met Uncle Mike's Gang at Busch Gardens


And there was...what is that holiday? Oh! Yes. Halloween.

November-
November! What did you do November?!?
Thanksgiving was ok.


Then it all went to hell...


December-
Well December had alot to make up for and December pulled through!
Brevin got better and came all of the way back to us from very far away.


And then a big finish with Christmas!


AAAAND an 18th wedding anniversary for a certain couple...


WHEW!!

Yes, We Have No Sitter

Since all of our babysitters are in Ohio and we live in New Jersey....that makes it kind of hard to really get too crazy on New year's Eve- or our anniversary- as they happen to be the same thing.
We knew that going in and I have to say I am really not that upset or put out. Our life is what it is. This is what we do. We are extremely careful about who watches our kids and though we are aware we may be being paranoid and nutty- it's ok with us. It really is. I can't compromise the safety of my kids because I want to go out and eat an overpriced meal and then go get a little tipsy somewhere.
We just had a family day today.

• Early morning dance party hosted by The Butter Bean, complete with streamers, sparkly shoes and great Swing music.
• Lunch while we sat and joked with each other.
• Then a hike/meandering walk around the marsh.

We have laid in supplies for a bit of a party later on, to be finished with bowls of ice cream at midnight.
Until then, we will joke and laugh and play games and just enjoy this little family that has come about because a boy and a girl decided to get married those many years ago.

And believe it or not Les and I have had a couple of quiet moments to talk about the 18 years. I think we both know that this time with these young children won't last forever. Soon enough we will be able to go out and party when we want.
This is better.
Way better.

                                                                               Photo by Evelyn

Never Enough Time

Eighteen years.
??????
How did THAT happen?
I mean to say, where did all of that time go?
18 years.
Leslie and I have been married for 18 years tomorrow.
There is quite an awful lot that I could go on and on about concerning our relationship and how we love each other. I really could...
But instead I will tell you this:
Sitting at the lunch table today, Les and I were talking, and the subject of our impending anniversary came up. We kind of looked at each other, a bit stunned and overwhelmed by the "almost 20 years" of this thing we did... have done...are doing... and in this quiet voice, he looks at me and sighs and says,  "Eighteen years. It doesn't feel that long".
And that was the most perfect, most romantic thing that he could have said or done.
And it's true.
It doesn't feel that long.
There is never quite enough time for the two of us to be together.
I feel that way and I know he feels that way and that is quite the bees knees after so many years.

Leslie, I love you more now than on that cold and snowy day 18 years ago. I love this life with you. I love our time together. I love our two crazy kids and mutant cat.

Thank you for these years and all of the ones to come.

Now, can we go play some more Skyrim?

The Verdict Is In

Evelyn has declared this to be, and I quote, "the most awesomest, best ever, most fun, five star Christmas ever!". Her parents agree.

As a parent, you sometimes get these crystal clear flashes of where you are in life, where you are heading, and a complete understanding of how absolutely precious your kids are. I had that this Christmas- nearly the whole time we have been a-Christmasing. I know that I was hyper-aware this year because of Brevin's HSFH- I hope that my awareness lasts. I hope that my heart never dulls and forgets how every single moment with these little people is a priceless gift.

Les filmed a snippet of the kids and I decorating the tree and as I watched it the next day, I was able to view it with that, "Mama's heart vision" and I saw my kids for what they really are: They are these incredibly small, innocent people. They are the magic bringers, the happy times, the things that make life worth living. They are my treasures. That vision also had a bit of a flash forward where I was acutely aware of how brief this time with them really is. I watched as Evelyn pirouetted about with her silver tights bunched up down at her ankles and Liam dropped the same ornament 6 times then tripped over the cat, then got bit by the cat, and my heart swelled inside of me until it hurt. 

Isn't that the best of what Christmas has to offer? That reminder that we are family, that there is love and enjoyment. It's a reminder that the cold and dark days do not last and that even in the darkest hour a few lights and family can awaken Spring in our hearts. 

The thing that I love best of all is that I asked Evelyn if she meant the presents or the tree and she said, "OH! All of it Mama! ALL OF IT! Us together, the cookies, the food, you and Papa, Liam, that bad cat, my cousin just... all of it". She gets it and that makes it easier for me to remember. 

This morning was....wonderful