Family Functions-or- The Functions of a Family

We were at a family function yesterday. There was great food, happy family, extended family, and by that I mean, Great Grandmas, Grandmas, Aunts, Great Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. I was sitting there, amongst people that I have known and loved my whole life while my children played close by and I felt good.

As any adoptive parent will tell you, we spend a significant amount of time asking ourselves, "Is my child acting like this because it's a "normal" age appropriate thing or is this because they are adopted?" You just do. The thing is,  that the earliest days of my children are so unknown to me, that it took me so very long to hold them to my chest and bring them home, they were indelibly marked by that time and we will work through those days, weeks, months and years for a long time to come. This is not to say that every day of our life is taken up by these issues, this is to say that they are there and they crop up and we deal with them. Sometimes, most of the time, it's no more than me seeing something and helping them in a way that makes allowances for how they were created and how they used their individual strengths and personalities to survive.

Well, there we were. The kids were playing. Then I noticed something. I could barely see her, but I KNEW Ev was upset. And not just passing upset but, really upset. So I stepped out on the porch where she was and asked her what was wrong. And she had an entire laundry list of offenses committed by a certain someone. She stood there with her arms crossed, her face pale and her little hands trembling and she laid it on the line. I said, "Ok. Do you want to finish talking about this here or would you like to come inside and you and I can talk together and see what we can do?" She opted to "go inside but only to pee and get a drink". Knowing Ev, I knew to follow her.
You see she has always been the kind of gal to never, not ever, need anyone or anything. She is so independent and capable that you can easily forget how very fragile she really is. She was like this in the first moments that I met her and I have seen very few cracks in her facade over these past six years.
And so. In the bathroom we talked. And she told me in no uncertain terms why she was MAD, what WRONGS this person had done and how it was RUDE. And I said, "And did it hurt your feelings?"
"No", she said. But her back went a bit straighter. Her lips went a little more hard. And the light in that room was just so, that I caught the lightening quick flicker of hurt in her eyes before she got it completely walled off. And I know her well enough to know that she would NEVER EVER NOT EVER talk about this in someone else's home, with people milling about, when she would have to walk out and LOOK at this person just a few seconds later. And so I hugged her and we got a drink and she went back into the fray. But we will have to talk about this. How it was the hurt that got her mad and not really the actions of the person. And I will have to push and probe and get her mad at ME first. And I will have to guide her along. But we have to get this sussed out because the person that made her so upset? Well, that was Brevin. You see he was, in her mind, actively choosing others above her. And well, he kind of ...was. He was being deliberately exclusive but also he was being a 5 year old boy in a group.

A few minutes after Ev was back out playing, I glanced out again to see Liam being, well, Liam. He was hitting a cousin. He was hogging the ball. He was puling on their clothes. And he was cussing them out in his own particular manner. Listen, we don't call him "The Emperor' for nothing. And so.
I step out and remind him to be nice and he looks at me and I can absolutely tell that he is not seeing me- not really. He is in a zone. There was not a single bit of recognition in his face when he looked at me. I am not making that up. I called him over and got on his level, and still... nothing. I had to pick him up and bring him in. But we were not alone, there was alot of family about. And I had to keep him where he could see the group of kids and be with me. I had to, I don't know how I knew that but I did. And he ran through his particular repetoir: outright refusal, no eye contact, pouting, whimpering, smiling, cooing and then, distance. I sat and held him quietly on my lap for a few moments. Then he began to attempt to enlist the help of others. Any adult will do at that point. Big exaggerated facial expressions, the jutting lip, the tears that sit there and never really fall. And I had to be strong because that room of women are quite taken with Liam and they are softies to a man (or lady, as it were). Eventually he saw ME again. And I said, in his ear, "Where is Mama?" and he touched me. I set him down and reminded him to be a nice boy and let him return to the horde. And he was fine.

Neither of these incidents was longer than a few moments. Barely noticed by the party goers probably. But in the life of an adoptive family these were huge moments. I talked quietly to each child. I can cover for Ev like nobody's business and there was so much going on that no one had any time to wonder too much about what I was saying to Liam.
But that's the way it is. You go along and then "Wham!" you see that your daughter decided very early in life that she would and could survive on her own, and she will not ever play any game to get anything from anyone. You look and see how your son had to behave in an orphanage, that he is very good at playing certain games to get folks to take care of him. And you get a punch in the gut. But you get up and you do the best damn job you can do at the time and you all live to fight another day. Then you sit back down and sip your Dr. Pepper and laugh with your Mom and your sister and your cousin and your aunts.
Because seeing is half the battle. And if you see your kids- really see them. Then they will never be alone again.