Time Bomb

In an effort to fully comprehend this new thing that has entered my life, I am reading a book given to me by my Aunt.
The book is called The Thyroid Solution.
I haven't even gotten to the "solution" part yet and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
All of these terrible things were happening to me. I was loosing myself, little bit by little bit. And I didn't even know that I shouldn't be blaming myself.
I. Was. Blaming. Myself. For. Symptoms. From. A. Disease.
I have been very quiet about some of the things that I have been battling because I felt guilty. I have been struggling with low grade and pervasive depression for a long time now. Two years? Three? I don't even know. All I knew was that I was depressed and I just wanted to be left alone and I couldn't figure out why I felt like that because I love my kids and my husband and my life is actually pretty fantastic. But the depression was/is chronic and low grade so I could muster my strength and hide it.

I got to the point where I could remember this person that I used to be but I just couldn't reach her any more. I could be on the phone talking to a dear friend about problems in her life and I would have to struggle to pay attention. I have to force myself to get out of bed and complete the bare minimum of tasks to get through the day. I have lost interest in reading, crocheting, playing with my kids, reading them books. All I can ever think about is how tired I am and how much longer I have to fight to stay awake.
And it wasn't just this feeling of depression. It was constant, chronic, never ending, never changing exhaustion. Fatigue that drained every single thought and desire out of my body. I was encased in a cement coffin of fatigue.

I started actively looking for help from the medical community a year ago. I had to actively fight for a solid year for a Doctor to order a single blood test that has helped me.
A single little pill every morning. That's it.
I am learning that an imbalanced thyroid affects every part of your life, your mind and your body.
I think the thing that I am most grateful for is this: I can stop feeling like I am to blame somehow for these feelings of fatigue and depression.
I can look at myself in the mirror and stop hating the person I see because she is failing at every single thing.
This thing was a ticking time bomb. It had the power to eat my life. To completely change who I am. To force me away from my children and my husband.
I am already feeling better and I suspect that if I stay on top of this- I can and will get back to that person I used to be. I have always struggled with Self Esteem but from this chair, on this day, feeling the way I do? The old Michal was a really cool, fun person that had the energy to be present for her family. The old Michal was pretty ok and I want to be like her again.