Fun at States

This Gymnastic season has come to a close. Ev finished out the year by going to the NJ State Gymnastics Competition. It was a long, 9 hour day, mostly because we also stayed to offer support to her friends who were competing after her group. I really am still trying to fully process what I think about and feel about today but, it will probably boil down to me feeling absolutely amazed that this tiny girl walked right into that big convention center, dropped her stuff off and started warming up. No hesitation, no balking. She just walked in and started doing the thing that she loves. I watched her all day and all day she smiled and laughed and talked with her team mates, she was happy to be there and I was so glad that she was there. 
She came home with a medal for Best All Around. She came home tired and happy and full of a quiet self confidence and champing at the bit to start her summer training.

She is a determined little thing but the thing that I love most is that gymnastics just makes her happy.

As of May 8

We were so busy these past weeks, visiting and distracting ourselves from Papa's absence that  one little detail got a bit lost in the shuffle- on May 8 we reached the seventh year anniversary of the day we met Evelyn.
The girl has been with us for seven years and though I become acutely aware of each day of those years when I look at how long her legs are, when I listen to how sophisticated her speech is...it still seems like the blink of an eye to my heart.
I'm left wondering if it will ever feel like I have had enough time with her. I know the answer to that one, really I do, it's just that there is a certain comfort in thinking that I don't, in thinking that maybe one day I will be able to say, "Ok, go on, I'm ready".
On the day we met her, it was steamy hot in China. We were in a big conference room in our hotel in the middle of Jiangxi City and we were just one couple in a group of 19 that were waiting to meet their child. I remember the big doors at the back of the room being opened and the hall being filled with babies and nanniesAnd I remember catching a glimpse of her and realizing right there that it was really going to happen, they were really and truly going to let me have her.

She has been an absolute joy, this girl that I had to go half way around the world for. She has completed me in a way that I never thought possible. I had no idea how much a person could love another until my love for her started to grow and take root in my heart. She came to us as this tiny, fragile, frightened baby and now, though she is still tiny, she is healthy, glowing, full of light and laughter, she is a real bit of magic, this Fu Mei, and Leslie and I are completely honored to share this part of her life with her.

When It Rains

When it rains, and this is something I absolutely love about my sister, Melissa will corral all of the kids, strip them down and send them out into the world with a big smile on her face and her laugh filling the air. I can never seem to get them up and out with the enthusiasm she whips up. If it's a real good gully washer? All the better! Then they have a place to go and stomp and splash and squeal. They can march in lines up and down the street, yelling and hollering and pretending that they are in mortal danger. They can run under umbrellas and imagine that they are using magic forcefields or...well, who knows what happens in those little minds?

Most of the time, our kids are the only ones out in the rain. And Melissa and I never understand this. When we were kids, it was easier to find drippy wet, squealy playmates on a rainy afternoon than it was on a clear, dry day. I even remember running to the top of a hill at my Grandma's house with 3 or 4 of my Aunts so we could all wash our hair in the rain that flooded out of the gutter of an old building.

My children have learned from their Aunt that magic can happen when it rains.

And now that we are older, my sister and I, and the world has worn some of our shine off, we mostly just stand and watch and laugh together as our children fill their hearts with a magic and joy that once belonged to us too.

Store Closing

Today one of my all time favorite stores closed.
Rabbit Store.
Rabbit Store is closed for business.
Rabbit Store was a game that Ev and I played with her little Calico Critters set.
We had a house with rabbits, and a General Store and one of our favorite things to do was to sit down in her room in the afternoon and play...Rabbit Store. You know, where the Mama Rabbit decides she needs stuff and goes shopping- over and over again.
It really was the nicest little store and the proprietor, a rabbit named Peach, was the spirit of generosity and fun.
And today, my daughter decided that she was just a bit too old for that doll house and the store.
And today, my heart is a bit sad as I think about those quiet afternoons playing Rabbit Store being all over.
Of course I am happy to see her grow and change and of course we have other special things we do together.
But...
But.
But.
I was not ready for this.
I knew it was coming and I AM the one that blithely brought the subject up this morning. She hasn't even touched that dollhouse or store for weeks and weeks- months really and I thought it would take her almost a year to be ready to put it away. I thought we would have a few more trips to the store together.
But a few weeks ago, she asked me to play Rabbit Store and, I didn't have the time.
I didn't play with her that last time.
I didn't know it would be the last chance.
It was, and that is what has me in an emotional mess today.
I missed that opportunity with her and now she is on to bigger things.
I just have to keep telling myself that I only ever said no about 2 times, including that last one, so there is that.

Things We Are Learning

Since Papa has been gone, we have been learning a few things. Things like:

• Mama is a perpetual cupboard door leaver opener face. Honestly, my kitchen looks like that scene in The Sixth Sense by the time I'm done cooking. Apparently Les comes behind me and closes them as I cook.
• Mama is the one that doesn't put a new roll of tp on the roller. Who knew?
• Liam is more affected than I thought he would be. He is having nightmares and sleepwalking.
• Evelyn is just as affected as I thought she would be but she is holding up and being strong.
• Construction paper chains really help children get a grasp of time- both elapsed time and countdown-wise.
• Eating pizza twice in one week is a bit much, even for me.
• There is no such thing as too many episodes of Mad Men in one day.
• Skype, Facetime calls, texting and iphones make a huge difference when a member of the family is far away.

So we are surviving, just as I suspected we might. Evelyn is finding that she is holding on but she doesn't want me to know it, so if I ask, she gets a bit dramatic and morose. Overall I think that Ev showing her emotions is great, even if it tends to be a bit heavy on the melodrama, especially when the issue is of this nature. We have worked very hard trying to teach her how to open up and let us help her. I have just stood back and let her talk about it when and how she wants.

I am tired though. Oh so very tired. My hats off to single Moms.

Temporary But Awful Just the Same

Today we drove our Papa an hour a half away, and in the rain, we said goodbye and he boarded a plane.
We are looking at 5 weeks without him. 35 days.
We drove home and walked into the house and it felt smaller and darker and much less homey without him here. I guess it's just the knowing how long we will be without him.
For me, this is an all too familiar cycle.
We get the word that he is being sent away. I hate it and throw multiple fits and I have at least one day where I get mad at him, then I enter my denial phase.
Then he starts to pack.
And I drive him to some stinking airport somewhere and I come home alone.
Then I look at the calendar, map the days and I just try to survive until the half way mark- because after that half way mark, it's all down hill. Except for the last three days which take on a hell all of their own...
At the beginning, you only listen to sad music, watch depressing movies and eat junk food. Towards the end, you listen to happy pop songs, you watch comedies and you frantically try to make up for x amount of days of eating like a college freshman....

But its been awhile and I'm out of practice. And this time I am left here with two kids who are already beside themselves with missing him. Ev has known and she can process the exact length of time he will be gone. Liam just knows he is gone now and that an airplane was involved and that Papa won't be home tonight, he says "Oh Man!", and slaps his forehead whenever we talk about it. Evelyn cried quietly in the car for awhile as we drove home and then she let herself fall asleep.

Ev is a Papa's girl- through and through. Ev feels things very deeply and she frets and worries and just gets all worked up. She has been crying at night for a week now, I wonder what tonight's bedtime will bring?

I can handle my own loneliness and missing him- hers is unbearable.

Well, it looks like Netflix, junk food and lots of lovins to get us through tonight...