Who's The Boss?

Let us review. I write this blog for myself, as kind of a journal AND I happen to be a full disclosure kind of gal. Meaning that I don't want this blog to make my life look like a shiny happy perfect kind of place, I want to be as real as possible here. I also am not a pity seeker, I write about what is in my life because that is what is in my life at the time.
And what is in my life right now? Status Migrainosis. Today is 52 days of the same headache. 52 days of constant, intense, nauseating, unrelieved pain. Fun times.
I could go into lots of details about one crap Neurologist and the way he made me feel like a toilet bowl and how he didn't treat me and admit me to the hospital because he couldn't because he had lost his privileges to practice there and never told me so because he didn't want to loose the money my visits were bringing him...and how that made me suffer about three more weeks than I had to...I could go on about how I ended up with high blood pressure and a high heart rate and he looked at me and said I needed to see my family doctor for an EKG in one breath and that I should also go home and exercise in the next and that he would see me in two weeks and here is more Dilaudid....
SO- I did see my family doctor and I did get and EKG and I almost got admitted to the hospital that day but I didn't because he decided it was my thyroid that was messing up my heart and put me on a beta blocker and told me if my chest hurt to go to the ER  and he sort of was concerned that my head was still hurting me and he wondered why the Neuro hadn't done anything and he gave me a referral for a place in Philly...
So- I got chest pain and I didn't tell anyone for three days 'cause that's how I roll.
And finally I did and I got admitted and my family doc put in a Neuro consult and I got a new guy and he is awesome and compassionate and can actually practice at the hospital and he has ethics which is cool and all. So he kept me there past the cardiac stuff for some migraine treatment though, sadly because I had been mismanaged and had not been on high enough doses of prophylactics to help the iv vasoconstrictors that he needed to use, he could not bust this out and the headache returned slowly during the week after my discharge (it wasn't entirely gone in my day of discharge). SO -I am at home now taking high doses of steroids and high doses of prophylactics to prepare for another hospitalization to get another round of those vasoconstrictors that will bust this thing out. Hopefully.
I no longer remember what it is like to be me without pain.
I no longer remember what is like to interact with my kids and not fake being copacetic.
I grit my teeth constantly.
I frown alot and squint and Liam always asks me if I am mad. And I try not to do those things.
I try to be as normal as I can be. And you will see some of that here too. It's not always going to be this... And my mom was here for three weeks helping me/us and I should say that and how much we lover her and appreciate that.
If I am half was decent and my meds are kicking we will go to a close by beach with easy access and I will plop down and the kids will romp and I will be in LOTS of pain when we get home and very tired but they will have had a normal evening.
I will sit when I can and do a puzzle with them. Or read to them. Or sit on the yard with them.
But it's not really me. It's just partially me.
And I can not even begin to tell you about the state of my house.
Though I did clean yesterday, with the help of Les. But I overdid it. And he tried to tell me. And so did Ev. But I'm stubborn. And I felt like I was in charge.
And then. Oh then. I was standing and talking to Les in the evening. And I looked up to say something about hanging a map above out chalkboard in the schoolroom... and it was like some bad man walked up and swung a cold ax and hit me in the head. My left eye went totally black for a second. My stomach lurched. I felt the pain down to my toes. I staggered back two or three steps. Fell into the couch curled into a ball and started... I don't know... crying, sobbing. Holding my head and wondering what the fuck just happened. Les brought me some frozen peas for my head and whatever pill I managed to gasp out that I needed and there I was.
And I learned who was boss.
The headache is boss.
Of my whole life right now.
The headache is BOSS.