Fragile

Yesterday has left us bruised and battered.
Today we are pulling ourselves together. Evelyn is all clamped down again, with all of her grief and pain locked deeply away. Every time that I make eye contact with her she says, "I know Mom. I know" and she skitters away. I am on the verge of tears and feel adrift.
I think she is saying that she knows that I love her, that she knows that I care, that she knows that she can talk to me.
We talked a good long while yesterday and things about her past were revealed to her in a way that, although age appropriate, were not easy to hear. She had questions and opinions. Several times she attempted to take the words out of my mouth and re-write her history and I wanted to let her. Oh how I wanted to let her.
I couldn't though. As much as I wanted I had to keep re-stating the truth as gently as I could.
We got out every bit of paper that I had that contained any scrap of information about her time before us. She wanted to see all of the gifts and treasures we brought back from our trip in 2005. She sat holding a delicate rice bowl and said, "Tell me something happy from when I was a baby" and I did.
I told her of love and first bottles and little gummy smiles offered up on a hot, steamy day. I told her of first steps and fat baby legs. I told her of first words and resting on laps during thunderstorms. I told her of a Papa and how he lost himself to a tiny girl born half way around the world.

I am not sure that I have done the right thing. I keep looking at her to see if she is ok, to see if she is hurting. I think she is, but she won't tell me until she can. Until it's too much. I will be here for her and I will keep talking about Liam and his behaviors in the same way. Liam is a good neutral ground for her, she can allow herself emotions for him that she won't let out for herself and that's a start I suppose.

It's my privilege and honor to walk through life with these children born of another woman. It's my privilege and honor to be allowed to see them and all of the things that make them up.