Two Boys

Attachment and bonding. Grief. Settling in. Figuring it out. Learning new rules. Learning new ways to survive. Jealousy. Change. Power struggles.
These things (and more) are a part of our every day life right now. In a comment to another adoptive Mama, I just said, "it's the good, the bad and the ugly wrapped up into every day" and that's about it. We get it all, every day, sometimes hourly.
I strive to keep a transparent blog. I don't want to present this happy face to everyone when there are days that I am not sure we will all make it through. Neither do I want to continually blab about this long and difficult process.  The fact is we are happy. We are also struggling.
After I struggle all day and feel beat up and bruised, the last thing I want to do is sit down and re-hash it all  in the blog. It's too much. It's much easier to sit and talk about how he smiles and melts my heart or how I love to see him and Ev hold hands. No matter how you try to be complete, when you blog, you just give these quick looks into your life.
In reality there are two Liams. There is the Liam that we, his immediate family knows and the other Liam. Now the Other Liam is smooth, easy going, a no fusser, a compliant little guy. He is all round edges and softness. The Real Liam is a bit more....real. Our Liam is rough and loud, he cries, he hurls himself onto the floor in protest. He kicks the cat. He hits his sister. Our Liam is all of the things he has to offer. ALL of it.
I am surprisingly ok with the Real Version. I like that one better. I am suspicious of the Other Liam. I know that he is hiding things.
 I know that he trusts us enough to let us handle his dirty laundry. I know that some day these two versions will be reconciled. This is a common thing in adopted kids, the two faces. It's all to do with how they trust and how they see relationships.
The facts are these:
Liam is loved.
He is precious.
I finally have the little lovable bear that I always wanted.
He IS sweet.
He is kind.
He is trying.
He is grieving.
He is confused.
He is hurting.
He is wondering what the heck is going on.
He can't talk.
He is stubborn.
He is a tester.
He is sensitive.
He is a little boy in a big confusing world.
He likes us but is still not sure if we are the final chapter.
He's two, man, is he ever two.
There is also the fact that even though this is tough, it could be much, much worse. I know families that struggle with RAD and severe attachment/ trust issues.
I love this boy and I am glad that he is here. He is a good fit for us. We just have some rough places to smooth over. We have work ahead. We also have work behind. I mean, we are a world away from those first few days in China.
And this is all just how I feel/see things/understand. What about my little boy? How must he hurt and struggle? I have an idea but I will never have the full weight of his grief and confusion settled into my heart.