Learning from the Caveman

Liam (aka The Caveman) is a snuggle bunny. I finally got me a lap sitting, cuddlin' up baby. He loves to be on my lap soaking up all of the lovin's I feel like sending his way. He would live entire days on my lap if I let him.

Ev has never, ever been this way. I remember this diaper clad 18 month old that would shove off of my chest and say "nnn dink 'em" (no thank you) when I would pick her up and try to love on her or hug her or just carry her around for awhile.

 I remember days and weeks of nightly forced rocking chair time-when she was 3-  trying to teach her that it was ok to let me get close and to let me stay close. She has never enjoyed cuddle time. I have always and will always worried/worry that I never should have let that 18 month old set the parameters for physical affection.
You see I was a first time adoptive Mama and I hadn't read as much then about "Attachment and Trust in Adopted Kids" as I have now. I thought, at first, that she was just "independent". And I let it go. I shouldn't have.
So this has been a constant thing with her. The need for control, the physical distance, the inability to completely trust, me trying belatedly to teach her these things, us trying to tackle those shadows from her past and lighten her future. And I have been behind the eight ball for a long, long time.

It seems however that competition is a good thing. The Caveman gets lap time so she wants it too damn it. And she will get it. At first it was all about just clocking hours and minutes and seconds and comparing her time to his. Checking to see if I was giving her the same things that he was getting. She would say, "You give him different attention than you give me" and I would agree that I did- because he let me.

Then we all got sick. Ev was sicker than I have ever seen her. And we were all in it together. Many things were needed, but the most important thing that they wanted was lap time. Cuddle up time. Relying on Mama and Papa to make it all better time.

And something happened.

Ev loosened up. Her view on things shifted. And now she seeks me out for physical contact- hugs and lap time and just being as close as she can get. And it's no longer competition- it's just..... her and me. It's her letting me in a bit more.

It's the final wall coming down.

As much as she says that having a brother is difficult? It has been a blessing as well. In her mind and in her heart she knows that they have similar backgrounds. In her mind and heart she is fully aware of what life for them was like before we came together. She sees Liam letting us in and I think it has made her realize, somewhere in her little soul, that at the end of the day, we can, and will take care of her. She saw him crying and reaching for me while he was sick, not trying to be strong, just letting go and letting the parents do it. He lets us carry his load and she sees that. And she has learned.

If someone ever says that Cavemen have nothing much to offer? Well, they are wrong because this little caveman has helped his sister learn what years of stable family life could not teach her- it's ok to let go and let Mama and Papa be the strong ones.