To An Unknown Woman in China

Tonight as I was putting my daughter down for bed, she smiled up at me and asked me to tell her the story of when I met her in China. She has asked this question many times in the 6 years that she has been with us and I always, always take time to stop what I am doing and tell her "The Story of The Big Room In The Jiangxi Hotel" .
Tonight was a bit different however. She seemed more pensive, more expectant, as if she were waiting for an opportunity to arise.
I realized pretty quickly that it was you she wanted to discuss.

And so, not knowing exactly where to start and not knowing exactly what it was she wanted or needed to talk about- I started with a simple truth.
As I lay there in bed with this 7 year old girl that is the light of my life, I looked into her face and I whispered to her that I had a secret to tell her. I told her that I think about you quite a bit. And as that whisper left my lips and traveled to her heart, I saw her relax and become almost relieved. She wanted to know when I thought of you, and I told her that it was when I saw her smile a certain way, or when I saw her in gymnastics class up on the balance beam or when she bursts out with a full belly laugh. I told her that at those times I thought of you and wished desperately for you to be able to see her.

She sighed and smiled a sad, strange little smile and then she asked me what you look like. I really wanted to be able to tell her. I wish that I could have met you just once, so I could tell her for sure what you looked like, so you would have been able to see that she would be loved and cherished. The sad truth is that I didn't see you, I have no idea who you are. I told her this. And we decided that we might have enough information to make a few guesses. According to us you are a tiny woman with very good posture. You have tiny, capable hands. You have dark black hair that is cut with bangs at the front but it's very long in the back and you mostly wear it in a long pony tail like her friend Willow. And you must have a fabulous nose.

She wondered sadly if you loved her and we talked about that. We decided that you must have kept yourself very healthy when you were pregnant with her because she was born healthy and strong. We talked about the circumstances in your country that may have led you to make the decision that you did. We know that there were other choices- choices that were easier socially and morally in your country but you made a choice that could have made things very difficult for you and any family that you lived with. She decided that you made the choice you did, not because you wanted to, but because you have Honor. And so she decided that with your honor and the very few other things we know, that you did love her.

I think she loves you too. It's a far away love, a love filled with sadness and regret but it is there. I wanted you to know that you are not forgotten. That she knows about you, she thinks about you. She thinks that you did the right thing, and that might be cold comfort to the mother's heart that beats in your chest but it is what we have.

I want you to know that she is loved and cherished. We will keep her healthy and happy and do our very best to give her the best of all things, but mostly the best that our own hearts have to offer.

I like to think that there are times when we are thinking of you and talking of you, and that you are there in China thinking of her too, and that somehow you know that she is loved by us and that she has a smile that can change the world. And her nose is the most fabulous little nose that I have ever seen.