Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Cliff Hanger of Grossness
So when we last parted ways, I asked if anyone had any guesses about what this might be:
Well, I had one guess and that was right. Brenda thought it might be a Jimmy Dean Sausage found in the garbage.
Good guess Brenda!
It was indeed a sausage.
Found under the couch cushions as we did a bit of light Spring Cleaning last week.If you look closely, you can even see the print from the texture in the fabric that was impressed into the sausage as we sat on it time and again as it petrified. You can also see the very tip where there is evidence of minor gnawing before it was discarded.
Well played Squalor Monkey. Well played.
In related news we are currently potty training with the Agent of Entropy. So now he can randomly pee in various clean spots all over the house.
Fun for everyone.
*edited: I originally posted the wrong guesser. I typed Debbie even though my brain knew it was Brenda. I even read it three times and my brain switched the words. I wish I could say that something like this has never happened to me but I would be lying- I do absent minded professor-y stuff all of the time. Also there was an epic foam sword battle going on about 2 feet from my ears as I was typing.
Good guess Brenda!
It was indeed a sausage.
Found under the couch cushions as we did a bit of light Spring Cleaning last week.If you look closely, you can even see the print from the texture in the fabric that was impressed into the sausage as we sat on it time and again as it petrified. You can also see the very tip where there is evidence of minor gnawing before it was discarded.
Well played Squalor Monkey. Well played.
In related news we are currently potty training with the Agent of Entropy. So now he can randomly pee in various clean spots all over the house.
Fun for everyone.
*edited: I originally posted the wrong guesser. I typed Debbie even though my brain knew it was Brenda. I even read it three times and my brain switched the words. I wish I could say that something like this has never happened to me but I would be lying- I do absent minded professor-y stuff all of the time. Also there was an epic foam sword battle going on about 2 feet from my ears as I was typing.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Squalor Monkey or I Can Not Believe I'm Going There
See this kid?
Do not let the cute face fool you.
He is a complete menace.
Not exactly a SLOB but maybe we can label him an Agent of Entropy.
Yes, that's it. That's what he is.
He has this aura about him- kind of like that puffy cloud around PigPen in The Peanuts. but Liam's is more of an outward cloud- a cloud of oncoming entropy that negates any cleaning a certain tired Mama gets the energy up for.
Just cleaned your window on the patio door? Proud and happy at the way the glass is shining and the view seems so crisp? Well, The Agent of Entropy can not let that go on. Nope. He will stroll through, trip over nothing and his face will slam into the glass. And he will have just eaten alot of chocolate while he has a cold. There goes your window.
Just cleaned his room? Proud that your son does indeed have a well ordered and cute little room? Go ahead and get in the shower, when you get out, he will have decided that even though playing in his room is the last thing he has wanted for 267 days running, he will now decide that he must...PLAY WITH ALL THE THINGS! And he will do so with a relish that makes Master Entropy so very proud of his littlest recruit.
Just bathed him and got him into a freshly laundered winter coat? Feeling like he is the cutest and shiniest of little boys as you attempt to load him in the car for an appointment? Wait! The Sister will neeeeeed sommmmmething and...Boom! Your clean son sort of does this standing watusi up against the car that hasn't been washed since 2007.
He will always fall into mulch. Face first.
He will never mind that rivulet of snot that is running down his face. It's like a Robert Redford film starring Brad Pitt up in here when the boy has a virus. (A River Runs Through It. Get it? Ahhh cha cha)
He will be the first human ever to consistently and always melt M&M's in his hand.
He will always drag a sleeve through ketchup.
But...see this?
This! Is his crowing glory!
Any guesses as to what it might be and where we found it?
Do not let the cute face fool you.
He is a complete menace.
Not exactly a SLOB but maybe we can label him an Agent of Entropy.
Yes, that's it. That's what he is.
He has this aura about him- kind of like that puffy cloud around PigPen in The Peanuts. but Liam's is more of an outward cloud- a cloud of oncoming entropy that negates any cleaning a certain tired Mama gets the energy up for.
Just cleaned your window on the patio door? Proud and happy at the way the glass is shining and the view seems so crisp? Well, The Agent of Entropy can not let that go on. Nope. He will stroll through, trip over nothing and his face will slam into the glass. And he will have just eaten alot of chocolate while he has a cold. There goes your window.
Just cleaned his room? Proud that your son does indeed have a well ordered and cute little room? Go ahead and get in the shower, when you get out, he will have decided that even though playing in his room is the last thing he has wanted for 267 days running, he will now decide that he must...PLAY WITH ALL THE THINGS! And he will do so with a relish that makes Master Entropy so very proud of his littlest recruit.
Just bathed him and got him into a freshly laundered winter coat? Feeling like he is the cutest and shiniest of little boys as you attempt to load him in the car for an appointment? Wait! The Sister will neeeeeed sommmmmething and...Boom! Your clean son sort of does this standing watusi up against the car that hasn't been washed since 2007.
He will always fall into mulch. Face first.
He will never mind that rivulet of snot that is running down his face. It's like a Robert Redford film starring Brad Pitt up in here when the boy has a virus. (A River Runs Through It. Get it? Ahhh cha cha)
He will be the first human ever to consistently and always melt M&M's in his hand.
He will always drag a sleeve through ketchup.
But...see this?
This! Is his crowing glory!
Any guesses as to what it might be and where we found it?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Her Heart
A nap was in order, but you see, she never naps. Not unless she is very under the weather and then you get lucky enough that she will acquiesce to lay with you, because YOU need it, not her - that much should be clear. So you lay down and she snuggles in, curling around her Pony and you start to drift off. You make yourself stay awake a bit longer though, because if you fall asleep and she does not, she will lay there for over an hour, quiet and bored and just waiting to be released. So she thinks you are asleep, but you aren't, not really. You are awake enough to be aware of her slipping her hot, tiny little hand into yours and whispering, "I Love You!" as she finally drifts off to sleep.
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As she gets older, and her little mind starts to work and remember and obsess about scary things, she starts to need a little light on at night. She has made it thus far by using a little star light that we, the parents go in and turn off as we are going to bed. But you find her one night sleeping- with Pony, Lambchopper and her adventure lantern turned on and perched precariously on her chest. The next day her conversation is filled with hints and meanings but you have to wait for her to mosey about to the point. If you push, if you question, she will retreat. It takes her all day to work up the courage to suggest that she might be needing a more permanent night light in her room. She says this in quiet questioning tones when her Father is out of the room, these things are between us you see. When you look her in the face and tell her that you only want her to be safe, feel safe and not afraid and that if a night light is needed, then you trust her and you will get her one, right now, tonight- her little face flushes with relief. Relief and love. And she grabs your hand and walks with you to the closet to find just the right night light. Your reward for just being there for her is for her to thank you most genuinely and climb up into your lap and sit there cuddling- not for 5 minutes or 7 but for three entire chapters of Harry Potter.
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Afternoon playtime. Lunch is eaten. The Brother's nap is not yet on the horizon- so what should be done with this treasure of minutes? I'll tell you what she does. She gets the globe down and calls The Brother over to her and he goes most happily and readily because he can tell by her tone that he is not in trouble, no, this is a fun summons. And they sit in the sunlight slanting in the room and they spin the globe and giggle. They are talking and whispering, giggling and rolling about. Then, she takes her hand, stops the globe and begins searching for a certain place. you must act like you are not aware of what is going on, if they know they are being observed, they perform or request or fall victim to entropy. She finds what she is looking for and slaps her hand down on the Asian Continent- most specifically China. And in a most secret club tone of voice she says, "This! This is China. The people of China invented silk, and wheel barrows, fireworks...They built The Great Wall of China to keep out the barbarians. I was born there. You were too. We both come from there! We are from China. Me. And. You." And you become more grateful than ever that your home holds two of the greatest things to ever come from that vast country.
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As she gets older, and her little mind starts to work and remember and obsess about scary things, she starts to need a little light on at night. She has made it thus far by using a little star light that we, the parents go in and turn off as we are going to bed. But you find her one night sleeping- with Pony, Lambchopper and her adventure lantern turned on and perched precariously on her chest. The next day her conversation is filled with hints and meanings but you have to wait for her to mosey about to the point. If you push, if you question, she will retreat. It takes her all day to work up the courage to suggest that she might be needing a more permanent night light in her room. She says this in quiet questioning tones when her Father is out of the room, these things are between us you see. When you look her in the face and tell her that you only want her to be safe, feel safe and not afraid and that if a night light is needed, then you trust her and you will get her one, right now, tonight- her little face flushes with relief. Relief and love. And she grabs your hand and walks with you to the closet to find just the right night light. Your reward for just being there for her is for her to thank you most genuinely and climb up into your lap and sit there cuddling- not for 5 minutes or 7 but for three entire chapters of Harry Potter.
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Afternoon playtime. Lunch is eaten. The Brother's nap is not yet on the horizon- so what should be done with this treasure of minutes? I'll tell you what she does. She gets the globe down and calls The Brother over to her and he goes most happily and readily because he can tell by her tone that he is not in trouble, no, this is a fun summons. And they sit in the sunlight slanting in the room and they spin the globe and giggle. They are talking and whispering, giggling and rolling about. Then, she takes her hand, stops the globe and begins searching for a certain place. you must act like you are not aware of what is going on, if they know they are being observed, they perform or request or fall victim to entropy. She finds what she is looking for and slaps her hand down on the Asian Continent- most specifically China. And in a most secret club tone of voice she says, "This! This is China. The people of China invented silk, and wheel barrows, fireworks...They built The Great Wall of China to keep out the barbarians. I was born there. You were too. We both come from there! We are from China. Me. And. You." And you become more grateful than ever that your home holds two of the greatest things to ever come from that vast country.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Time Bomb
In an effort to fully comprehend this new thing that has entered my life, I am reading a book given to me by my Aunt.
The book is called The Thyroid Solution.
I haven't even gotten to the "solution" part yet and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
All of these terrible things were happening to me. I was loosing myself, little bit by little bit. And I didn't even know that I shouldn't be blaming myself.
I. Was. Blaming. Myself. For. Symptoms. From. A. Disease.
I have been very quiet about some of the things that I have been battling because I felt guilty. I have been struggling with low grade and pervasive depression for a long time now. Two years? Three? I don't even know. All I knew was that I was depressed and I just wanted to be left alone and I couldn't figure out why I felt like that because I love my kids and my husband and my life is actually pretty fantastic. But the depression was/is chronic and low grade so I could muster my strength and hide it.
I got to the point where I could remember this person that I used to be but I just couldn't reach her any more. I could be on the phone talking to a dear friend about problems in her life and I would have to struggle to pay attention. I have to force myself to get out of bed and complete the bare minimum of tasks to get through the day. I have lost interest in reading, crocheting, playing with my kids, reading them books. All I can ever think about is how tired I am and how much longer I have to fight to stay awake.
And it wasn't just this feeling of depression. It was constant, chronic, never ending, never changing exhaustion. Fatigue that drained every single thought and desire out of my body. I was encased in a cement coffin of fatigue.
I started actively looking for help from the medical community a year ago. I had to actively fight for a solid year for a Doctor to order a single blood test that has helped me.
A single little pill every morning. That's it.
I am learning that an imbalanced thyroid affects every part of your life, your mind and your body.
I think the thing that I am most grateful for is this: I can stop feeling like I am to blame somehow for these feelings of fatigue and depression.
I can look at myself in the mirror and stop hating the person I see because she is failing at every single thing.
This thing was a ticking time bomb. It had the power to eat my life. To completely change who I am. To force me away from my children and my husband.
I am already feeling better and I suspect that if I stay on top of this- I can and will get back to that person I used to be. I have always struggled with Self Esteem but from this chair, on this day, feeling the way I do? The old Michal was a really cool, fun person that had the energy to be present for her family. The old Michal was pretty ok and I want to be like her again.
The book is called The Thyroid Solution.
I haven't even gotten to the "solution" part yet and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
All of these terrible things were happening to me. I was loosing myself, little bit by little bit. And I didn't even know that I shouldn't be blaming myself.
I. Was. Blaming. Myself. For. Symptoms. From. A. Disease.
I have been very quiet about some of the things that I have been battling because I felt guilty. I have been struggling with low grade and pervasive depression for a long time now. Two years? Three? I don't even know. All I knew was that I was depressed and I just wanted to be left alone and I couldn't figure out why I felt like that because I love my kids and my husband and my life is actually pretty fantastic. But the depression was/is chronic and low grade so I could muster my strength and hide it.
I got to the point where I could remember this person that I used to be but I just couldn't reach her any more. I could be on the phone talking to a dear friend about problems in her life and I would have to struggle to pay attention. I have to force myself to get out of bed and complete the bare minimum of tasks to get through the day. I have lost interest in reading, crocheting, playing with my kids, reading them books. All I can ever think about is how tired I am and how much longer I have to fight to stay awake.
And it wasn't just this feeling of depression. It was constant, chronic, never ending, never changing exhaustion. Fatigue that drained every single thought and desire out of my body. I was encased in a cement coffin of fatigue.
A single little pill every morning. That's it.
I am learning that an imbalanced thyroid affects every part of your life, your mind and your body.
I think the thing that I am most grateful for is this: I can stop feeling like I am to blame somehow for these feelings of fatigue and depression.
I can look at myself in the mirror and stop hating the person I see because she is failing at every single thing.
This thing was a ticking time bomb. It had the power to eat my life. To completely change who I am. To force me away from my children and my husband.
I am already feeling better and I suspect that if I stay on top of this- I can and will get back to that person I used to be. I have always struggled with Self Esteem but from this chair, on this day, feeling the way I do? The old Michal was a really cool, fun person that had the energy to be present for her family. The old Michal was pretty ok and I want to be like her again.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Hearts + Sick = February So Far
Happy Valentine's Day!
I think the annual day of sweets was a hit around here. The kids woke up (one of them extremely early- like 6am early) and found a basket of goodies for each of them. They have been ingesting chocolate and conversation hearts at an alarming rate ever since.
There is something that I love about this holiday and it's not really about the chocolates (well it is, but that's not all) or the forced feeling of romance- for me it's about taking time to brighten up what is usually a very dull and gray month. It's about getting to decorate using sweet little hearts and the colors red and pink all mashed up together.
It's about taking an opportunity to spoil the heck out of my kids.
Lissa and Brev and The Grandparents jumped in on the action and sent a box full of goodies too. That arrived a few days ago- on a day when both kids were feeling very low and sickly and it was just the thing to cheer them up.
The kids are on the tail end of a very nasty little bug that Papa brought home. The Doctor was reluctant to say, "Pneumonia", but I feel certain that is where they were or where they were headed -quickly. After three days of antibiotics- they were both still running high fevers. And the coughing- oh the coughing. They almost ended up with a late night run to the ER but my nurse head kicked in and told my Mama's heart to wait until morning. We waited, and they both woke up fever free and almost back to normal.
Mama is on the front end of the same bug and feeling very sorry for herself indeed. I did dose myself up with some high powered cold medicine and essentially lost 24 hours to a drugged haze but when I emerged- the nasty cold was still here. Oh joy. So you know. You can fight for a solid year to get yourself diagnosed with a thyroid issue, start taking your meds, feel good for about 47.5 hours and then get hit with a cold from hell that wipes you out. I told you that I was feeling sorry for myself. I warned you. I did.
Oh! Plus I had the bonus of being "hormonal" and thus used energy I didn't really have to fight with Les and that meant that I ended up exhausted from crying, a cold headache, a migraine and both nostrils completely plugged with snot and swelling. That was fun. Les thought so too. I could tell. He loves when I loose all rationality and attack him out of the blue while cleaning out the refrigerator. It's almost his favorite thing in life. Also I looked really hawt.
cough cough
Where was I? Oh yes. The adorableness of my kids. Valentine's Day. Candy.
I am heading back to my hovel on the couch to mouth breathe, play Ragdoll Blaster and eat the occasional chocolate. Ok. You've got me- probably more than an occasional chocolate but there is no one here to count it and if I cleverly disguise the wrappers in the trash...the calories won't even count. Did you know that? Now you do. You are very welcome.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Buzz Buzz Buzz
My brain is buzzing today. Maybe it's because I have lain about in a fog for days on end and finally my brain is waking up a bit. Maybe it's because I have been mostly awake since 2:40 am thanks to my sister's stray text waking the sleeping giant next to me in a way that has kept me bemused for hours. Maybe it's because even a broke clock is right twice a day. I don't know.
You know what's coming right?
Yes, lucky reader, you get a preview.
Here's a picture or two to make all of that reading worthwhile...
You know what's coming right?
Yes, lucky reader, you get a preview.
- Facebook. That torturous thing we can't seem to look away from. I have gone on a recent string of commenting- ok three comments in total- on these posts that are anti-Obama. This has resulted in me realizing that not all people view fb in the way that I do. And I have once again been reminded that people really don't want to discuss politics- they just want to state what they believe and then be left alone. I was thinking that silence was acceptance because that's how the real world works, but on fb- silence is dissent? Yes, that must be it. So I will go back to my silently dissenting ways.
- Snot Jockeys. Both kids are sick. Nothing major, just your run of the mill seasonal colds but man, I hate it. Mostly I hate to see them sick and wan, but I also see my doom before me.
- Liam. This child and his speech. I love him to death and I would never, ever do anything different than bring him home and love him until he was silly but I had no idea how very delayed his speech would be and what that would mean for our daily lives. I thought I knew. But I didn't really. And it's not for me that I fret, it's for him. he will have another surgery this summer to lengthen his palate and I am already sick at the thought of what this little boy will go through.
- Time. Les and I were talking the other night about what we want to/need to get done. Let us just say that our year is planned. A year. In the blink of an eye. And my children are growing way, way too fast.
- Self awareness. I prefer my 20's to my 30's. In my 20's I was figuring out who I was, how I wanted to be and live. In my 30's I am realizing how I have been wrong about most things in life. This is not a good feeling. I really just want to go back to thinking I was right about everything- it was much easier to sleep back then. Plus my body hadn't betrayed me yet.
Here's a picture or two to make all of that reading worthwhile...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
More On School
I hope you all realize that I was using the title "Academy of Excellence" as a tongue in cheek sort of thing. I was making fun of myself.
I did mean to write about the more harsh realities of homeschooling and then I talked about the good stuff- so I get it now. I guess, as home-schoolers, we get excited sometimes and since we don't have many opportunities to really tell folks what our kids are learning, we get a little nutty. ( that's what happened to me ok?)
I wanted to check in and tell you that since both kids are coming down with their Papa's cold from last week, today's school is essentially Jeff Corwin and Nova.
Netflix. A home-schoolers wing man.
And we are all in our pj's.
And Ev has been snarky.
And I yelled during Math.
And Liam has rolled about on the floor sniffling and sneezing and listlessly playing with a toy car.
And I started that whole blog post the other day to really confess that since I have been struggling with my own health- school has been very hit or miss.
I did mean to write about the more harsh realities of homeschooling and then I talked about the good stuff- so I get it now. I guess, as home-schoolers, we get excited sometimes and since we don't have many opportunities to really tell folks what our kids are learning, we get a little nutty. ( that's what happened to me ok?)
I wanted to check in and tell you that since both kids are coming down with their Papa's cold from last week, today's school is essentially Jeff Corwin and Nova.
Netflix. A home-schoolers wing man.
And we are all in our pj's.
And Ev has been snarky.
And I yelled during Math.
And Liam has rolled about on the floor sniffling and sneezing and listlessly playing with a toy car.
And I started that whole blog post the other day to really confess that since I have been struggling with my own health- school has been very hit or miss.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Academy of Excellence
Homeschooling is a mixed bag. Of course I love it. How could I not? I get to make sure that my kids are learning what I want, in a way that makes sense to us as a family. It's great to have the kids at home, to get to spend all of this time with them.
On the flipside- the kids are always home with me. Ahhh cha cha.
I do think however that it is really hard to read about someone's homeschooling and get a clear picture of THE REALITY. It's one of those things that people only want to mention the good stuff. Because you know we are always being judged-gasp! And what if a state educator reads that you actually skipped a day because the kids were acting like flaming turds?!?- swoon!
At this academy that stuff does happen. Your kid can get absolutely and irrevocably in a state of mind that would drive the Dalai Lama to drink. At least mine can. I can wake up in the morning with good intentions and then get caught in an Internet Timesuck and realize at about oh...1pm that I should actually you know, educate.
I would say that time regulation is the absolute hardest bit of the schooling at home. I will freely admit that 90% of our schooling attire happens to be pajamas. I will admit that somedays I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than fight with Ev over Math- again.
But it's also wonderful this homeschooling gig. We can change the schedule to meet what is happening in our life. We can choose to go off on a tangent in History. We can choose to spend Science Days looking through the telescope at things we gathered on a walk. Ev can do her reading assignments in a tent, in her bedroom with her favorite music softly playing. We can take the things we love in life and translate them into really cool things to do as we educate our children.
I just realized the other day that I have this 7 year old that is actively discussing Beowulf, Peter Pan, Harry Potter and the different writing styles in each. I have this 7 year old that would rather read than watch a movie. I have a 3 year old that grabs his little preschool workbook and follows me around with it waiting until it is his turn to be taught.
So that's what it's like. You have some good, you have some bad and you have some pretty cool stuff that comes out of this endeavor. I have folks tell me all of the time, "Oh I just don't think I could do that", and I tell them, if you are a mother or a father, you already understand enough to know how to do this. It is doable. It can be amazing. It just won't be amazing all of the time.
You would be amazed to find out what counts as "school". Puzzles, board games, gymnastics, walks along the beach, walks along the marshes, walks around the neighborhood, reading of amy kind, legos, building blocks, arts and crafts, museums, science museums, art history programs, music, playing music, learning about different music types. There is an opportunity to teach your children around every corner. That is the best thing about homeschooling! It doesn't just happen at a desk or in "the classroom"- it happens with life. And once you start teaching your kids in this way? You can't stop. Cooking, cracking geodes, building volcanoes- it's all good.
Monday, January 30, 2012
And Now- A Word From Our Sponsor
How excited were you when you learned that your thyroid was shitting the bed?
I'm not afraid to tell you, I was thrilled.
No, really, literally thrilled.
I have been dealing with some personal health issues for awhile now and just today some things are starting to come to light.
It has taken me almost an entire year and multiple blood draws but I finally got the medical confirmation that what I thought was going on with my body, was indeed, just exactly what I thought was going on with my body. So you see, the being thrilled wasn't exactly about the dumb ass thyroid (that's two of my glands that are happily, merrily, not doing what the ever loving #$%& they were created to do), it was about the knowing. I was thrilled because I am no longer going to have to spend the wee hours in the morning looking up diseases on Web M.D.
A year ago almost I realized that my hair was thinning. Not falling out in clumps. Just...thinning. Badly. I also realized that my eyebrows were thinning. I also noticed that I was having less and less energy as the days went by. Just the thought of getting from morning to bedtime was enough to make me weep sometimes. This was when we were still in Ohio so I went to my Doc there and asked for some bloodwork. All normal- except for a very low Vit D. So Vit D supplements and a remark or two about my weight and the levels of stressors in my life.
It just kept getting worse. I was getting more and more tired. I felt (still feel)like a woman much older than my age. Less and less hair. I kept thinking that it had to be my thyroid as I had no other issues. Just the fatigue and hair thinning.
Recently it got to the point where I was feeling genuine concern for my health and another two blood draws saying nothing was wrong. So away I went to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The Reproductive part for the PCOS, the Endocrinologist part for thyroid. Man that was a depressing visit. I learned things about the future of my body that I will try not to dwell on. Let us just agree that PCOS is a hell of a thing. And kind of separate from that but not really is Diabetes. Yeah, that's coming too.
So I left with an order for more thyroid blood work, a prescription to TRIPLE the dose of Glucophage I was on. Oh and a whole bunch of Vit D for a level that was even lower than it was months ago. And I was to await word from the Doc.
So I start taking the Glucophage. I only doubled it at first because the Doc told me to go up slowly. That was great advice. For the first two days I was kind of spacey and sick. But then I forgot I was spacey and sick and I just kept taking the pills like I was told because of the diabetes, and the pcos and the insulin resistance and the weight. Except that I didn't notice that I had no appetite. And I kind of got "goofy". I really lost my mind. I was so forgetful that it was a bit scary. I would forget that I was cooking, or that I as talking to another human, I would forget that I was the one driving the car (that happened only once and then I did NOT drive again until I got better). My sister said, out of love, "you look like a cancer patient" and on another night, "talking to you...it was like you are drunk". After a Skype session with my mom, she was really worried about the state that I was in after watching me struggle to maintain a conversation with her. So I talked to Les and he confessed how weird I was and how worried he was. And I sat on my couch and cried my eyes out and I told Les just how bad it really was, you see I am the consummate cover up person. I never want anyone to worry or to know that I am sick or struggling- so I just manage. But this was getting bad. I gave up any pretense of being able to school Ev, or shower every day, or remember that I was doing laundry. I was unable to interact with my children or husband. I was gone.
So last week I get a call form the doctor's office. My thyroid was "ok". And I just cried because I just felt like that was where the issue was and now I knew nothing and I felt crazy.
I stopped taking the glucophage after talking with les as he realized it was the only new thing and that the fatigue had been with me for awhile but the forgetfulness had not. So you know, they might be separate. GENIUS!!! I stopped taking it and within 12 hours I was back to myself again. Almost. I mean I am still exhausted (eff you thyroid) and I am still a bit spacey at times (eff you insulin resistance and thyroid) but I am not a danger to myself or my kids anymore. I am not a shell of a person anymore.
Then today the doctor's office called again. I am not sure what that call last week was but the Doctor looked at my blood work and saw that my thyroid was indeed crapping out. The numbers are not "bad" yet and they said that I JUST hit the threshold for treatment but that's what the issue is. I will begin taking Synthroid as soon as my pharmacy get it to me.
I will see the Doc soon to talk about the glucophage and come up with an alternative. I will fight as long as I have to, to feel like a 38 year old woman instead of a 70 year old woman.
You may bethinking that she was just tired, just goofy but I will tell you that it was bad. It feels bad. It feels horrible to be an overweight, middle aged woman insisting time and time again that her "hyboid" be checked. I felt like my kids didn't have a mother. I was afraid and I was alone.
I bathed my children today. Due to my recent bout with drug induced dimentia and Leslie's regular state of absent minded professor-i-ness...it was their first bath in two weeks. True story.
Now I hate my pituitary and my thyroid. My pancreas is on deck.
I'm not afraid to tell you, I was thrilled.
No, really, literally thrilled.
I have been dealing with some personal health issues for awhile now and just today some things are starting to come to light.
It has taken me almost an entire year and multiple blood draws but I finally got the medical confirmation that what I thought was going on with my body, was indeed, just exactly what I thought was going on with my body. So you see, the being thrilled wasn't exactly about the dumb ass thyroid (that's two of my glands that are happily, merrily, not doing what the ever loving #$%& they were created to do), it was about the knowing. I was thrilled because I am no longer going to have to spend the wee hours in the morning looking up diseases on Web M.D.
A year ago almost I realized that my hair was thinning. Not falling out in clumps. Just...thinning. Badly. I also realized that my eyebrows were thinning. I also noticed that I was having less and less energy as the days went by. Just the thought of getting from morning to bedtime was enough to make me weep sometimes. This was when we were still in Ohio so I went to my Doc there and asked for some bloodwork. All normal- except for a very low Vit D. So Vit D supplements and a remark or two about my weight and the levels of stressors in my life.
It just kept getting worse. I was getting more and more tired. I felt (still feel)like a woman much older than my age. Less and less hair. I kept thinking that it had to be my thyroid as I had no other issues. Just the fatigue and hair thinning.
Recently it got to the point where I was feeling genuine concern for my health and another two blood draws saying nothing was wrong. So away I went to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The Reproductive part for the PCOS, the Endocrinologist part for thyroid. Man that was a depressing visit. I learned things about the future of my body that I will try not to dwell on. Let us just agree that PCOS is a hell of a thing. And kind of separate from that but not really is Diabetes. Yeah, that's coming too.
So I left with an order for more thyroid blood work, a prescription to TRIPLE the dose of Glucophage I was on. Oh and a whole bunch of Vit D for a level that was even lower than it was months ago. And I was to await word from the Doc.
So I start taking the Glucophage. I only doubled it at first because the Doc told me to go up slowly. That was great advice. For the first two days I was kind of spacey and sick. But then I forgot I was spacey and sick and I just kept taking the pills like I was told because of the diabetes, and the pcos and the insulin resistance and the weight. Except that I didn't notice that I had no appetite. And I kind of got "goofy". I really lost my mind. I was so forgetful that it was a bit scary. I would forget that I was cooking, or that I as talking to another human, I would forget that I was the one driving the car (that happened only once and then I did NOT drive again until I got better). My sister said, out of love, "you look like a cancer patient" and on another night, "talking to you...it was like you are drunk". After a Skype session with my mom, she was really worried about the state that I was in after watching me struggle to maintain a conversation with her. So I talked to Les and he confessed how weird I was and how worried he was. And I sat on my couch and cried my eyes out and I told Les just how bad it really was, you see I am the consummate cover up person. I never want anyone to worry or to know that I am sick or struggling- so I just manage. But this was getting bad. I gave up any pretense of being able to school Ev, or shower every day, or remember that I was doing laundry. I was unable to interact with my children or husband. I was gone.
So last week I get a call form the doctor's office. My thyroid was "ok". And I just cried because I just felt like that was where the issue was and now I knew nothing and I felt crazy.
I stopped taking the glucophage after talking with les as he realized it was the only new thing and that the fatigue had been with me for awhile but the forgetfulness had not. So you know, they might be separate. GENIUS!!! I stopped taking it and within 12 hours I was back to myself again. Almost. I mean I am still exhausted (eff you thyroid) and I am still a bit spacey at times (eff you insulin resistance and thyroid) but I am not a danger to myself or my kids anymore. I am not a shell of a person anymore.
Then today the doctor's office called again. I am not sure what that call last week was but the Doctor looked at my blood work and saw that my thyroid was indeed crapping out. The numbers are not "bad" yet and they said that I JUST hit the threshold for treatment but that's what the issue is. I will begin taking Synthroid as soon as my pharmacy get it to me.
I will see the Doc soon to talk about the glucophage and come up with an alternative. I will fight as long as I have to, to feel like a 38 year old woman instead of a 70 year old woman.
You may bethinking that she was just tired, just goofy but I will tell you that it was bad. It feels bad. It feels horrible to be an overweight, middle aged woman insisting time and time again that her "hyboid" be checked. I felt like my kids didn't have a mother. I was afraid and I was alone.
I bathed my children today. Due to my recent bout with drug induced dimentia and Leslie's regular state of absent minded professor-i-ness...it was their first bath in two weeks. True story.
Now I hate my pituitary and my thyroid. My pancreas is on deck.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
That Damn Cat
When you do a lot of reading and some of that reading includes authors that can really creep you out. Like Neil Gaiman for instance.
And when your favorite story by one of your favorite authors is about a cat that does nightly battles with a demon to keep his family safe....
Then when your cat starts up howling his fool head off and hissing in the middle of the night...
You come out of your sleep with your heart in your throat and wondering how in the hell you, your husband and a cat are going to keep The Devil away from the kids!!!!
With no Holy Water OMG!!!! And no silver ammo jeeze o peet!!!
After you jump out of bed and run into the hall prepared to fight to the death...
What you see when you get there might not be what your mind had you thinking you would see.
If you don't see a Hell Demon standing in your hall afterall...
You are kind of left with that, "What the fuuu...???" feeling.
Then you look down because the cat is STILL carrying on.
That is when you see that the stupid animal was trying to get in your daughter's room to sleep with her, found himself stymied by the closed and latched door and thought that the jingle bell leftover from Christmas that is hanging on her door might be just the ticket to a polar fleece nest of absolute comfort with a bed buddy that doesn't kick you in the face every time they roll over. But he has about twenty blue million toes and one of those claws get stuck in the ribbon holding the bell. And as far as I can tell from the way cats act when this happens- that shit hurts.
You reach down to help the stupid son of a bitch get loose before he wakes the kids up and he looks at you with terror and that terror finally helps him free his claw from the red silk ribbon holding that damn jingle bell in place.
And then you realize a few things simultaneously:
In case you are wondering, only one half of this marital union actually made it out of the bed. It was not the half that has had combat training from the US Government.
Damn cat.
And when your favorite story by one of your favorite authors is about a cat that does nightly battles with a demon to keep his family safe....
Then when your cat starts up howling his fool head off and hissing in the middle of the night...
You come out of your sleep with your heart in your throat and wondering how in the hell you, your husband and a cat are going to keep The Devil away from the kids!!!!
With no Holy Water OMG!!!! And no silver ammo jeeze o peet!!!
After you jump out of bed and run into the hall prepared to fight to the death...
What you see when you get there might not be what your mind had you thinking you would see.
If you don't see a Hell Demon standing in your hall afterall...
You are kind of left with that, "What the fuuu...???" feeling.
Then you look down because the cat is STILL carrying on.
That is when you see that the stupid animal was trying to get in your daughter's room to sleep with her, found himself stymied by the closed and latched door and thought that the jingle bell leftover from Christmas that is hanging on her door might be just the ticket to a polar fleece nest of absolute comfort with a bed buddy that doesn't kick you in the face every time they roll over. But he has about twenty blue million toes and one of those claws get stuck in the ribbon holding the bell. And as far as I can tell from the way cats act when this happens- that shit hurts.
You reach down to help the stupid son of a bitch get loose before he wakes the kids up and he looks at you with terror and that terror finally helps him free his claw from the red silk ribbon holding that damn jingle bell in place.
And then you realize a few things simultaneously:
- Your love of that cat might not prevent his death this night.
- Teaching your cat to ring bells hung at the back door was maybe not a good idea afterall.
- You would fight even The Devil himself while wearing nothing more than an old tank top and granny panties if that is what needs to be done to protect your young.
- You have somehow become the slathering Rage Demon stalking the halls of your house at night.
In case you are wondering, only one half of this marital union actually made it out of the bed. It was not the half that has had combat training from the US Government.
Damn cat.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Adopting China- Thoughts on Chinese New Year
Life is funny. You end up devastated, lost and alone and then this other country half way around the world says, "Yes. You can have this child to raise and call your own". So you go get the child and you think that it was all about you and that your life will continue on and you will just have this child now. But you are changed in so many profound ways, ways that take you by surprise.
First you have all of the ways that your heart transforms from who you were, to being a mother.
But when you adopt, and that child comes from another country, something else happens along with all of those changes. You find that all of the sudden (or not so sudden depending on The Wait), you have this other culture in your home. You have travelled and spent the most emotional time in your life as a stranger in a strange land. You find that you can't quite get that place out of your heart and mind. You find that in order to honor your children for who they are, you must also take into account where they came from. You begin to realize that even though you may not be able to replace their lost culture, you can honor it, give that culture a small corner is your home, in your heart and in your timeline.
I have done the reading. I know that my kids need to feel a connection to China so they may be able to come to terms with who they are as individuals but I will confess, we didn't start celebrating CNY because of that. I thought it would be fun. That's it. We lived in North Carolina, it was a gray, drizzly week and I thought, "let's spice this up". So we decorated, I made some Chinese food and that was it. Evelyn enjoyed it so much that we did it the next year and the next and ...here I am.
I also have to say that there is no real great way for me to give them a genuinely Chinese- Chinese New Year. So I do the best I can. I have researched and we have chosen things that we can do that emulate CNY. So we decorate- using mostly construction paper and we eat Chinese food. And we talk about China, CNY and the customs around it, Les and I research Chinese calligraphy and try our best to get some of it correct on our home made banners. We research the Chinese Zodiac and base that year's decor around what animal year it is. (This is the Year of the Dragon. The Water Dragon to be exact).
There is something new to this year though. I have come to realize that just as my family and friends have made room in their hearts for my children, they too have made room for China. I have had calls, e-mails, presents sent- all because it's Chinese New Year and they all know that we celebrate it, that it's important to us. It's so funny because the involvement of our friends and family in this time of the year is the single most authentic aspect to The Dillon Family Chinese New Year Mashup.
And that is what I will tell the kids this year. Chinese New Year in China is centered around family. I will tell them that your family here gets that. They know how you came from China and they know we celebrate this holiday that does not touch their lives, but they make time for us anyway. Your family sees how you love to do this, they get that it's a part of you. I am choked up with tears as I write this because the simple acceptance of family and friends is the most valuable commodity of all - and we have that in spades.
Gung Hay Fat Choy!
First you have all of the ways that your heart transforms from who you were, to being a mother.
But when you adopt, and that child comes from another country, something else happens along with all of those changes. You find that all of the sudden (or not so sudden depending on The Wait), you have this other culture in your home. You have travelled and spent the most emotional time in your life as a stranger in a strange land. You find that you can't quite get that place out of your heart and mind. You find that in order to honor your children for who they are, you must also take into account where they came from. You begin to realize that even though you may not be able to replace their lost culture, you can honor it, give that culture a small corner is your home, in your heart and in your timeline.
I have done the reading. I know that my kids need to feel a connection to China so they may be able to come to terms with who they are as individuals but I will confess, we didn't start celebrating CNY because of that. I thought it would be fun. That's it. We lived in North Carolina, it was a gray, drizzly week and I thought, "let's spice this up". So we decorated, I made some Chinese food and that was it. Evelyn enjoyed it so much that we did it the next year and the next and ...here I am.
I also have to say that there is no real great way for me to give them a genuinely Chinese- Chinese New Year. So I do the best I can. I have researched and we have chosen things that we can do that emulate CNY. So we decorate- using mostly construction paper and we eat Chinese food. And we talk about China, CNY and the customs around it, Les and I research Chinese calligraphy and try our best to get some of it correct on our home made banners. We research the Chinese Zodiac and base that year's decor around what animal year it is. (This is the Year of the Dragon. The Water Dragon to be exact).
There is something new to this year though. I have come to realize that just as my family and friends have made room in their hearts for my children, they too have made room for China. I have had calls, e-mails, presents sent- all because it's Chinese New Year and they all know that we celebrate it, that it's important to us. It's so funny because the involvement of our friends and family in this time of the year is the single most authentic aspect to The Dillon Family Chinese New Year Mashup.
And that is what I will tell the kids this year. Chinese New Year in China is centered around family. I will tell them that your family here gets that. They know how you came from China and they know we celebrate this holiday that does not touch their lives, but they make time for us anyway. Your family sees how you love to do this, they get that it's a part of you. I am choked up with tears as I write this because the simple acceptance of family and friends is the most valuable commodity of all - and we have that in spades.
Gung Hay Fat Choy!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Exactamo
Tonight while we were driving home after a very long day, my husband put a cd in the player and the car filled with music. It happened to be the music he so arrogantly popped into my cd player about 20 years ago when I had offered to take this nice guy I knew (him) about an hour and a half away to go job hunting near his college campus.
All of the sudden, years melted away and the sound of my Chinese son singing in the back seat got far away...and I went back to that day in my mind. That was the first day that we had ever spent any significant amount of time together and it was the first day that I knew that I wanted to be with him. I knew that I loved him. It was just like that.
I was 19 people. Nineteen. Les and I had met a few times before this, maybe 5 times over 2 years and each time stands out in my mind after all of these years and each time has the same feel in my mind and heart as my days with him now feel.
So for a brief time tonight I was 20 again, wearing short blue jean cutoffs, a white t-shirt and my hair a glorious mane of spiral perm curls. I was 19 and there was this very cool, cute and great guy next to me in the car. Someone that I could just BE with. Someone who was funny, who got my stupid geeky jokes, someone who was interested and PRESENT. Then I came back to the present and there was still this cute, funny guy next to me- except that we had those two kids back there and we were coming home from speech therapy and gymnastics for them. These two amazing kids that we had to fight to find in this world- the ultimate bonus.
I knew then, on that bright sunny day that I wanted to be with him for a long time. I didn't say "marry" or "married" in my head- I was 19. But I knew something was up. I had no idea what a future with that guy would be like, I just knew I wanted to be there for it.
And here I am, in that future and it is nothing that I could have ever imagined -but it's everything that I dreamed of.
All of the sudden, years melted away and the sound of my Chinese son singing in the back seat got far away...and I went back to that day in my mind. That was the first day that we had ever spent any significant amount of time together and it was the first day that I knew that I wanted to be with him. I knew that I loved him. It was just like that.
I was 19 people. Nineteen. Les and I had met a few times before this, maybe 5 times over 2 years and each time stands out in my mind after all of these years and each time has the same feel in my mind and heart as my days with him now feel.
So for a brief time tonight I was 20 again, wearing short blue jean cutoffs, a white t-shirt and my hair a glorious mane of spiral perm curls. I was 19 and there was this very cool, cute and great guy next to me in the car. Someone that I could just BE with. Someone who was funny, who got my stupid geeky jokes, someone who was interested and PRESENT. Then I came back to the present and there was still this cute, funny guy next to me- except that we had those two kids back there and we were coming home from speech therapy and gymnastics for them. These two amazing kids that we had to fight to find in this world- the ultimate bonus.
I knew then, on that bright sunny day that I wanted to be with him for a long time. I didn't say "marry" or "married" in my head- I was 19. But I knew something was up. I had no idea what a future with that guy would be like, I just knew I wanted to be there for it.
And here I am, in that future and it is nothing that I could have ever imagined -but it's everything that I dreamed of.
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