Annoyance

I have this kind of pet peeve. It's horrible adoption language.
Terms, phrases and questions like :
Real brother and sister
God Bless You
Where is their real mother?
Oh. China doesn't want their girls. Right?
Hey how did you get a BOY out of China?
Adopted daughter
Adopted son

I really dislike being out in public and everyone assuming that I feel like giving a lecture on International Adoption. I really dislike people looking at us and then making the decision, that yes, they are going to talk with us about us.

A conversation with an adoptive family can go two ways- the right way and the wrong way.

Here is an example of the right way: recently I was in Indiana to be with my Grandpa as he underwent a procedure. As we were sitting and waiting to hear news, a church friend of my Grandparents came to sit with us. She knew something about my children and wanted to see pictures. Then she began to ask real and earnest questions about the process. She listened to the answers. She was kind, respectful and was genuinely seeking knowledge.

The wrong way looks like what happened at a visit to Liam's new doctor the other day: the nurse walks in, she looks at the chart for a minute and when she looks up, she looks at me, then at the kids, then back at me. Then her voice gets real high and she says , "Oh! They are just so cute!"" Is their father Asian or something?" " Did you adopt them? Are they yours?" Then we get right to the "Are they real brother and sister?" " Did you get them at the same time?"  "They are so cute!"
She never once actually acknowledged that the kids were in the room and had higher brain function, even though one of them was her patient. She never once took my cool answers and lack of eye contact as a hint. She was not genuinely interested in the kids or our story, we were just interesting to her in a nosy kind of way, a story to tell at lunch. She wasn't mean or snotty. She wasn't malicious. She was just... clueless.
Clueless is ok. I guess. I can educate clueless. I can talk easily to my children about clueless.
It's just annoying when all I want to do is get my child to the doctor and home again without some stranger jumping on raw emotions.

It makes me glad when people see that my kids are cute. Every mother wants to hear that others find her children as charming and utterly scrumptious as she does.  I just don't like feeling that we have to lay out all of our roots and beginnings and coming togethers for every Tom, Dick and Jane that gets a hair up their butt.

And people? Just stop asking if my husband is Asian. For Heaven's Sake!

Update: My friend Tara suggested that we dress Les up in full Chinese Regalia, photograph him and then show the picture to those folks that think asking about my husband's cultural identity is the way to go. I think we might do just that.


Since I wrote this post, we attended a Christmas get together, it was basically full of casual acquaintances. I was cornered by a drunk individual who wanted to discuss adoption with me. His opener was, "Hey. Michelle. Hey. You've adopted twice now obviously. I was wondering. How much does that cost?" That was just the opener folks. I did find out that he and his wife are thinking about adoption and have been for several months. I did continue to answer questions that were appropriate because his wife was not drunk and I thought she was genuinely seeking information. Though I wish that I would have said, " Hey, you guys can call me and we can talk when you are both sober and I am not with my family at a party". Why I didn't say that is a mystery to me.