Unintentional Lies

I think I may have been blogging a seriously one sided look at what our life is lately.  It has been unintentional. For one thing I am never sure how to put the negative things into writing and do it while letting the good things peek through. I can't seem to strike a balance like these women....

Adoption is this:

The Beginning


Adoption is Hard


Honestly 1 year later

AND it's this

Three Months, Two Years and Forever

And every messy, and great thing in between. All mixed up and happening together in almost eery moment of the day. I can not even begin to link to the positive, loving, "we love this kid no matter what"posts in the blogs above because even though these Mamas have struggled, they have also loved and committed themselves. Go ahead, look at their blogs, read through just a few entires and it will be apparent that they love, LOVE those kids. Even when they feel like they don't, they are coming from a place of love, for sure.

Though, my daily truth is currently closer to that difficult end. There are these glorious golden moments when I can actually feel that love that is there and waiting and straining to grow, and I talk about those. There are the moments when I look at Liam and my heart seizes up and I know what our future with him will be, happy and full of love and I write a blog entry. Mostly though?
Mostly I feel alone and frustrated and resentful.
How can I say that?!?! How?!?! How can this be the reality of my emotions? I don't know, it just is.  My reality.
I worry constantly about what will become of us if I can't ever get to the place with him that I am in with Evelyn. I worry constantly about whether I was the right Mom for this kid.
And I know all of the things that go into a successful adoption. Meeting them where they are, time and more time. Patience. Understanding. Daily routines. Time. And did I mention time?
I see Liam. This little boy who is so sweet at times, who can rub my arm and smile up at me, he can wake up first thing and ask where Papa is, he will squeal and run to his sister. I also see a boy who can't quite believe that he has to try a bit to fit in here. I see a boy that will hit, scratch and claw at his sister for just walking by. I see him in public or with extended family being this perfect little version of himself and I wonder where that kid came from. I know it's not all him. It's not. It's me too. I am impatient and quick to judge. I want what I want for my family and I have a hard time getting into the trenches with Liam and staying there. I know now, more than ever that attachment and bonding is a two way street.
Quite frankly, I am the one having the most trouble.
And that doesn't feel good. And it doesn't feel Christmas-y. And it certainly doesn't feel Happily Ever After.
It feels hard and messy and dark and ugly.
It feels exactly like failure, as a matter of fact.