The dreaded process of attachment. The process of growing love. And it was hard. In so many ways it was awful. I had to be open and honest with myself. This is really hard for me. I have no issue seeing right to the heart on matters that affect my family or my friends Also, I will, without a by your leave, fill these folks in on what I think/feel/advise- sometimes bluntly and with little grace. I am terrible about providing the same service for myself. Very hypocritical - I know.
The Adoption Powers that Be, those "experts", the Advisors call it a process for a reason. It would be nice if we could just get our children with the emotional equivalent of cup a soup. You know, just add hot water and viola! But sadly, we Mama's have to work for it sometimes. And let's be clear, you start at square one for each kid. Just because I was at point 27,962 in my journey with Ev, did not entitle me to any "cuts" with Liam. Nope. Back to square one.
It feels awful to be in two different places with your kids. There is so much guilt for me on any given day but to feel as if one child is getting more and better parts of me and my heart? Well, that leads to crippling guilt. And I had a timeline in my head. A Jeopardy Tune rolling about in my subconscious, keeping time, marking the minutes and hours of this ethereal state of ....dum dum dummmmm....."The Process".
I was talking to Les and we came upon a startling realization. We were worse. Worse! Worse off than those first awkward, painful hard days in China. Time had rolled on and we expected to be this perfect shining new family. I mean, even though we thought we did NOT have those expectations, we did. Unrealistic, lightning quick expectations. And when we didn't meet those expectations, the guilt, the anxiety, the self doubt and resentment set in and started a downward spiral. Pleas see that I am talking about US and what we expected for ourselves. The one thing that I hold on to is that I/we have never really expected Liam to do the work of this thing.
I found myself out on a cold snowy night and in the depths of something ugly and dark. And I looked and I was able to see what went wrong. I had forgotten to grant myself permission.
Permission to struggle.
Permission to take time.
Permission to let things happen.
Permission to stop working so hard at getting things right.
Permission to stop comparing Liam's Mama to Evelyn's Mama.
I granted myself that permission.
Now my heart feels lighter. Now there is room. Some bad things were cleared out and now there is room for love to grow.
It's a difficult spot to be in. There is love for Liam already, heck there was from the moment I saw him playing with that broken truck in the middle of sweltering China. But that's not the love that I am talking about. That first love is the necessary love. The love that is there to incite you to make a commitment, to drag you through the routine of diapers and bottles and first moments and language barriers. The kind of love that Liam needs now is the deeper more permanent, all out love. I have learned that, that kind of love is so valuable and precious that it can not be rushed. It can not be expected to simply appear because we want it.
Just with the simple act of granting myself permission, I have found us in a new place.
I do not expect to sail from here into a bright a shining future. No indeedy. I know that there are still some hard days ahead- that's just parenting plain and simple. But hating myself a little less will certainly help.
I sat and remembered my journey with Ev and I realized that it too was long and bittersweet. Now I look back and I cherish every moment of us opening up to each other. I shouldn't try to rush things with Liam.
There is a song called Song for You, written by Alexi Murdoch and there is this part that gets to right where I am:
So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know its hard to make it through
When you say there's something wrong
So I'm trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I dont know even where to start
Maybe thats a start
We are about 5 months into a life long relationship. It IS the start. It's okay to take time. It's ok to be imperfect. He deserves the time.
In the middle of a completely chaotic day today - time-outs, yelling, frustration and too much to list - I simply sat down on the floor and let out a big long sigh. At first, the kids just stopped and stared. Then each one, in their own time, made their way over to me and into my lap. And we just sat. And Keira would babble a bit and Quint would show me something. But mostly we just sat there. And when I spoke, I choose very soft tones. Not my style at all. And I stayed in that spot - middle of the floor - sighing and breathing and speaking softly to my children for at least an hour.
ReplyDeleteSome days, remembering we are JUST MOMS trying to do this HUGE THING...sitting down and taking a breath and saying "just sit still for a minute and stop freaking out"...well, it helped. It helped a lot.
Personal grace is a big thing to swallow.
it is difficult and very liberating to be this honest with yourself. I think most parents, (maybe not all, but more than admit it) feel this way, regardless of how our children come to us - by conception or adoption). With both Violet's birth and now with Max I have experienced very similar feelings. Its partially (for me anyway) worrying about how the first (and now second) kids are feeling now that they have to share my attention, even more. I can see my husband really struggling and worrying about how Violet is feeling. She is his first and they share a special bond. The feelings of Love for the new child in the beginning are more the maternal and paternal instict that God gives us to care for our children because they need us. that deeper love comes from getting to know them and it takes time. take it easy on yourself and know that Liam (and Max) are too little to know the difference and by the time they are old enough to figure it out, that deep deep love that comes with time will already be well established.
ReplyDeleteChristie- I have been taking a page out of that same book. I am trying to go in the exact opposite direction of the reactive emotions I feel. If I feel like screaming- I laugh. If I feel like crying I act silly. It's working so far. I think of it as- Emotional Re-training.
ReplyDeleteTara- As always girl you blow me away. Of course all new Mom's feel like this. Of course our kids don;t know the difference when we first start out. And I never factored in that I was worrying quite so much about Ev and that was also contributing to my storm of negative emotions.
I am doing much better. WE are doing much better.